A few weeks ago I wrote I post – “The Grand Gesture”.  I was not happy with how this post turned out.  It didn’t convey the message that I was trying to express.  Now I’ve written a lot of posts in my short blogging career, and obviously some were better than others. But, I was always proud of them because for better or worse, they said what I wanted them to say.  Until The Grand Gesture.  I realized the problem with the post was that I was holding back on something: I had an idea in my head but I wasn’t ready to share that idea with the world.  And it reflected in my writing. Now, I’m still not sharing the catalyst for that post, but I do have an anecdote that I think will help convey my message.  If for any reason it doesn’t, expect a take three in about ten days….

When I was in my twenties I was still unformed. OK- I’m still unformed- so let’s say I was a big ball of goo back then. I met a guy.  I went out with this guy.  And one day we were walking home from a party and he said “Ok. Let’s do this.  When do you want to get married.” No ring.  No prepared speech. No dinner. Not even really a question. In my very gooey brain, I thought- wow- he must love me.  He cut through all the romance and the nonsense and just cut right to the chase.

Stupid.

Needless to say, he would eventually become my ex husband.

So what did I learn from this experience? First off, I may have been at the forefront of a brilliant career, and I may have been really great at my job, but personally I was a mess. I had no idea how to navigate a relationship. I had about a thousand licenses from various government agencies saying that I could be trusted with your money, but I could not be trusted with making rational decisions of the heart. I thought that nonchalance equated to love. I later realized that nonchalance equated to not giving a damn.

Enter: The Grand Gesture.

I think if you love someone you must do something big to show it.  Now, big is a relative term.  It does not have to be renting out the scoreboard at a sporting event.  It does not have to be hosting a party for a thousand of your closest acquaintances. Expensive jewelry need not apply. What big is in this circumstance is meaningful.  You must present the one that you love with something meaningful. And meaningful means different things to different people.

So

You must present the one you love with something meaningful that is unique to their personality and is an expression of your love of them.

You must create an intimacy that is specific to your relationship.

Because you need to show that person how much they mean to you.

All relationships go through ups and downs.  Obviously, the ups are easy to ride out- it’s all rainbows and unicorns. But the downs. How do you get through the downs? What is the thing that makes weathering the downs bearable? I think it’s that expression of love that holds you through- the memory of an event, that piece of whatever they gave to you- I think that expression of love is what makes you remember what you are fighting for. And sometimes you need a reminder of what you are fighting for.

So no matter what stage of a relationship you are in, show the person you’re with how much they mean to you. Tell them. I don’t think there’s a limit to how many times you can show someone that you care, that they mean the world to you, that you love them. Just make it meaningful, from the heart. And make it something your person with like.

Solid relationships. Appreciation. Love. These are not things to be nonchalant about.  These are things to cherish.

40 thoughts on “Grand Gesture- Take 2”

  1. I should email you what happened to me which is eerily similar…weird, eh? I don’t know if I should type it out on the internet, but I would share it with you for, um, analysis and comparison. For the sake of the topic and its perceived dialogue.

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  3. Hey. The publisher’s mailed you regarding the giveaway. She mailed me saying that you haven’t responded yet. Could you please check? I gave her the mail id you use for this blog.

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      1. No problem. I didn’t want to convey this over email because I wasn’t sure if you would check it. 🙂 Her name’s Rachel. You only have to send them your mailing address. 🙂

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  4. I agree, doesn’t have to be huge, just has to be meaningful to the person and yes, it can be done at any time in the relationship, be it spouse/significant other, child or friend. Nice post.

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  5. Well that resonates in so many ways, and I agree. It’s nice to be told, but showing means so much more. Will never forget what my now ex said to me not long after we were married as I asked him why all the sweet little gestures of love had stopped. (He used to write notes and letters, I would come home to find flowers at my door before we moved in together…)
    His response to my question, “We’re married now, I don’t have to do that anymore.”

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      1. And I don’t have any regrets either LA. Honestly, it was hard, it was painful but it was necessary for me to grow and I wouldn’t have grown if he had never left me and for that, I’ll always be grateful.

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  7. hmmmm. A grand gesture? I am not sure about that. My first husband was an actor/director. He was always making grand gestures. He wrote me love poems, he wrote plays about me, he stood in the middle of the University of Miami and professed his love for me quoting Shakespeare. All pretty grand at the time. Performing was his thing. He wrote a beautiful poem the next morning about our wedding night. I thought our love would last a lifetime. In a way it did. We are still good friends, but our marriage didn’t last because as grand as he was, he was not particularly faithful. He was in love with love. And with himself. But his gestures were indeed grand.

    My second husband would come to the door with flowers, notice every little detail of what I was wearing and tell me I was the most beautiful women in the room everywhere we went. He’d put gas in my car so I wouldn’t ruin my nails, and open my car door. He bought me beautiful gifts, listened to me and pretended to lke everything I did. bla bla bla… He took me on amazing trips for every birthday…Lots of grand gestures. He led a double life. Pretty grand eh?

    I think if I ever decide I want to date again, I don’t want any grand gesture. I don’t trust them. I want a creative soul who likes me for who I am, and appreciates me for being me. no grand gestures needed. Just simple love and affection.
    I have spent my life giving grand gestures that were taken for granted and getting a lot of grant gestures in return. And while they may work for some, that’s fine….but, for me… Ive had enough grand gestures to last a lifetime. I think I’d rather be grand all by myself.

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    1. I totally get what you’re saying. We should be loved for who we are. But, without gestures, I think it’s too easy to get in the routine if under appreciating our partners. When there’s no special, it can become like a roommate

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  8. So, I’ve been married for 42 years and the proposal went something like this: “Hey, do you want to get married or what?” Yes, something more grand would’ve been nice, but I loved that awkward guy more than anything, and I said “yes.” To me it’s not about the gesture; it’s about the day to day demonstrations of love. He doesn’t always get it right, but when he does, it’s pretty special.

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  10. My first thought when I read this post? “What did/didn’t he do now?” Then I figured I might have superimposed my relationship over yours. My first ex still has moments where I wonder why we aren’t together, and then he does something that reminds me why we separated.

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    1. I agree. But I’ll tell you what got me thinking. I was doing some quant about which posts get more reads…you know…what subjects resonate more…and by far my most popular post this year has been the one about women doing too much and being under appreciated. I think small gestures are amazing. Problem is, I don’t know how many people are actually getting any gestures small or big.

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  12. My husband has never been into grand gestures. There was never a big proposal of marriage. He’s never brought me flowers or jewelry out of the blue. He’s pretty bad at gift giving in general. But I know he loves me more than anything else…because he towed the line when our daughter got sick. And he rubs my feet every night. It’s not a grand gesture by any means, but it says so much.

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