My Husband wanted to organize a group dinner with his buddies from college and their spouses.  He planned it six weeks ago and sent out a text asking if X date was good.  Oddly, for people with busy lives and kids, all were available on a particular Saturday in September. Husband found the perfect restaurant for a group of 15: we could get one table instead of breaking up into smaller tables as some places do, they had a prix fixe menu so it would be easy to divvy up the bill,  they had gluten free options for our gluten free friends, the wine list wasn’t stupidly expensive, and it was six blocks from our house, which was perfect because we wanted to have pre dinner cocktails on our roof deck. Let me make this clear: I did not want to plan this event.  I did not interfere at all except to say that the date he picked was free.

Perfect.

Now, you probably know that I am a detailed list maker.  My Husband is not.

About three weeks after he planned the dinner, he realized that he forgot to add a couple that was supposed to be invited.  He looked at me and said “What do I do?” cause you know this is rocket science.  I said “Tell them, hey, I just realized that you’re not on the email.  Sorry. And give the details of the night.” Which he did.  Whew. Glad we got through that ordeal…

Now fast forward to the week before the event.  Husband is in Alabama for the Alabama/Texas A&M football game. No, Husband did not go to either school- he just roots for Alabama…

Friday afternoon I get what I perceived to be a frantic text. “Made reservation for wrong night.  Please find a restaurant.”

Now here’s the thing about NYC: it’s always busy here.  With the exception of the last two weeks of August, the city is never quiet.  And in the fall it’s worse, because not only ae there tourists and conventions, all the people who live here are actually in town (summer and winter weekends are often spent at the beach or on the slopes) So getting a dinner reservation for 15 people on a Saturday night at 8pm in my neighborhood that is reasonably priced and has a gluten free options- well this was a tall order.

But I found the perfect place. (It only took an hour…) Good atmosphere, pitchers of sangria, and all of the above.

Perfect. I text my husband. He’s happy.

Fine.

When he returned to the city on Sunday, he asked: “Can you go down to the restaurant and see what we should do about ordering food?  How can we handle everything?”

Remember- I did not want to do this.  I did not want to do any of it.  Yet here I was….

Now- I know that couples have to help each other out- I realize that’s part of the deal.  When one needs help, you help. We all screw up. Fine.  He has helped me out before. A lot. But- I admit I resented this a little.  I know he’s stressed out at work.  I know our life has been a little hectic.  But yet… I really didn’t care that much about this night out…to me, it was a dinner with friends.  Not a party.  Not a function.  Just 15 old friends hanging out together.  No reason to be “in charge”.  Yet, he wanted to be in charge.  He just wanted me to do it.

But the end of the story is, I went to the restaurant, worked everything out, had a great night. The take away here is: my husband doesn’t like making lists.  He doesn’t like marking things down in his calendar. This always causes issues and stress.  (he has triple and quadrupled booked things- often) So sometimes I wonder if I want to be an organized list maker, or if I need to be an organized list maker….

 

55 thoughts on “When Something Goes Wrong”

  2. As I tend to see the negative aspects in posts like this (meaning I take your side in almost everything based on my own past personal experience) and am quick to put the blame on a male partner without really knowing either of you…I should likely just stay out of this.
    However…I wonder if Chelsea Owens may have a point…

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    1. We don’t know enough to arrive at a empirical answer … but From my perspective it’s parochial to say LA is forced into being a list maker. Just how my sister and my gf live with me we all hold different responsibilities that make the household stronger and function more effectively.
      If someone peered into the house they could say something like “you’re forcing your gf to cook all the meals” . But that would be the wrong vanage point .

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      1. Very true point. Running anything successfully means that different people take on different roles due to their strengths and weaknesses. I definitely like the running a house like running a corporation model…

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  6. Two things bug me about people who do this:
    1. leaving things to the last minute (and then saying ‘it’s no big deal’)
    2. expectations

    I wonder if I created this monster myself. I am a detail oriented person who plans ahead; not everyone is like that. So they (others) do their thing and inevitably some things get forgotten, left out, stuff happens to delay them, and the natural assumption is for me to jump in. She’s home, she’s available, has always been the undercurrent.

    Well just because I may not be working out of the house and have more flexibility than someone else may, is it fair to just dump something that wasn’t created or initiated by me on me?

    I’m not sure if there’s a solution. Perhaps thing work the way they do because that is how it has to be.

    Or something. 😛

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  7. You are a better woman than I. I would have been ticked and let him know my feelings. I probably would have lectured him about how I didn’t want to be in charge bla bla bla. Would I have helped ? Sure. But not without bitching. At least that’s what 69 year old me would do. Younger me would have sucked it up, creating a husband who expected me to always catch him when he fell. I learned that husbands are much like children who don’t learn if we do everything for them. That’s my two cents. But I’m not married anymore so being forthright might not be the best approach if you want to stay married. However it sure feels good to tell it like it is. 😉

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  8. At one point in my marriage, my husband said, “You always want to be in charge of everything.”
    Me: stunned silence
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I explained someone needs to make sure everything gets done with a house, 3 kids, 5 or more sports schedules, 21 meals a week, a bazillion loads of laundry, bills …
    I then asked him if he wanted to be in charge.
    Him: silence

    I don’t know if this is gender related, but in my experience, women are better at organizing, multitasking, and keeping all the details straight.

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    1. The bills. Omg. I plan those so there’s no fuckup. Announce that this pay period is tight, don’t go by unnecessary things. when he does anyway because of a sale, access to store at a convenient time or whatever reason, I offer for him to manage the bills. Take it off my hands. Bec now I have to move stuff around etc etc….more work for me.

      He passes. Maddening.

      There’s an episode on this on Everybody Loves Raymond…😉

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      2. I have always been in charge of the bills because I know how important it is that they be paid on time. I also know my partner doesn’t have the same sense of this. That’s definitely a case of the right person for the job.

        Liked by 2 people

  9. I was born a list maker and my Mr. wasn’t … our interaction sounds very similar to yours… the way I look at it is that we balance each other out…I am there with the reminders and the plan (just in case) and he is there with the ‘go with the flow’ so I don’t get too carried away with the planning and miss out on life…I think it’s a brilliant fit…

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    1. I was ok wth finding a spot. I know he’s been stressed, and I knew he was away and wasn’t ideal for booking another place. I was annoyed that he didn’t work on the details when he got home

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  14. Better to be a part of it and get what you want than not get involved and get stuck with something less. You are a great organizer — and everyone knows it. Thats just the way it is and will always be!

    Liked by 1 person

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  15. When I started to read your post, I was so impressed with your husband (thinking about the event, planning, organizing, inviting, etc.). Then, as I read further, he became a mere mortal man again. It’s the details… I think women are just generally better at them. Congrats for a successful event… I hope your husband appreciated your efforts.

    Liked by 4 people

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  17. You had me laughing by the end. My husband would not WANT to organize a party, but if there is something to be organized , he makes sure I do it,asking little by little if not from the very start. Good job at making it happen despite all those variables!!! Just try to remember his good points. 😉

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  21. It’s your way of life. That is amazing you pulled that off. We do a group of 10. 5 couples. Alphabetically we make the plans. We all know when it’s the husbands turn the wife just does it. We split the bill 5 ways. It’s just the way we are wired

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