I’ve used a lot of words talking about physical changes and a partner’s right to discuss things they don’t like about their significant others appearance.  But what about personality and habit changes? Or lack of change? What boundaries do we place on these?

Let’s begin with a personal statement.  Twenty years ago I did the following:

  1. Skied
  2. Ran 10K races
  3. Ate dinner after 830 (when I dined out)
  4. Went out multiple nights a week
  5. Stayed out till midnight or later
  6. Wore short skirts and high heels
  7. Drank a little too much
  8. Went to parties and large gatherings
  9. Went to the beach with just a towel and a book

In present world, these are no longer things I do with any regularity.  For the most part, I don’t enjoy these things anymore.  (Except for the short skirts- my stuff is still short, but not quite like the old days…) But now- this is just not how I wish to spend my time. So I have changed.  I am no longer the same woman I was when I met my Husband.  Here’s my question: Does he have the right to be mad that I no longer do these things?  Does he have the right to complain that I no longer do these things? In short, what happens when your partner no longer does the things that attracted you to the person to begin with?

Conversely- my Husband likes to go out.  A lot. He has not changed in this respect since we first met.  Can I expect him to change his habits just because I have grown tired of that lifestyle? Is it fair of me to say “Gee.  I’m OK being home by 10 and in my jammies by 1015 after we’ve walked the dog?” Is it fair that I consider a nice evening one in which I read a little with a cup of tea beside me?

How do couples communicate what they want and need from their partner? How do they do it in a way that makes then feel heard, yet doesn’t intimidate their SO?

People change.  Some are good changes, some are bad, and some are just…changes.  As we mature our wants, desires and needs change.  We adapt to our environment, our surroundings, and our situations. This is part of growth.  This is part of life (Darwin and all) But no one changes at the same rate, or in the same way.  Do we accept the changes in our partners if they are not egregious?  Or are any changes, even seemingly insignificant ones, a cause for distress or alarm, or just plain dissatisfaction? And how about, should we expect our partner to change because we have?

How do you handle change, or lack of, with your partner? This inquiring mind wants to know.

 

 

55 thoughts on “Ch Ch Ch Changes”

  1. I say yes. We do accept the changes if they’re not for a detrimental worse. My husband and I have been married for 9 years but together for 18. A LOT has changed. Lol. Most changes were expected and were probably for the better. There have been a couple of times when one of us pointed out to the other something that we didn’t particularly like… not the easiest conversations but necessary. I guess it’s more about how the message is delivered.

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    1. It’s always about the way something’s communicated. But does one partner have the right to be annoyed if they’ve changed? Even in a seemingly insignificant way? That’s what keeps rolling around in my mind

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      1. Maybe that’s part of the ‘for better or for worse’ ? 😄
        I don’t think there’s a right to annoyance over the average change. It’s life. We deal with it. Of course we can’t help feeling annoyed. But we shouldn’t let that annoyance morph into resentment. However if a change is causing a significant problem….

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      2. That’s where my thinking is going. How often does a small thing turn into resentment which turns into a Larger issue. I’m trying to work this out in my head

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  2. you had my attention at shorts skirts and high heels. one of the things that I lived back in the life was life is a dynamic and what you know to be true today isn’t true or may not be true tomorrow so one needs to learn to adapt and improvise to it.

    now, back to the short skirts and heels thingee ….

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  3. I think if you are in your 40’s or older and still chasing the night life or the overseas career that you have to settle in at some point. I think it is really unattractive to meet men and women in their late 40’s and older chasing one another in pubs especially in a foreign country or out of their element…kind of what I met when I went overseas again after not having been overseas in a long time. Do what is attractive for you and hopefully you have a partner who respects you. I met a University professor the other day walking the campus in a tight shirt showing much and a short skirt. I didn’t think it was age appropriate but I just smiled and moved on. The focus should be on the lesson and not the outfit.

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    1. I’m ok with people doing whatever makes them happy, going out, staying in, etc…but I have a friend who recently separated from her husband because if this exact issue…she wants to party, he wants to chill. I wonder how many couples experience this. I also wonder if this is an urban dilemma, as people drawn to an urban lifestyle might be more apt to want to go out all the time

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      1. I think it depends on the individual. There are a lot of party people in Suburban Florida as in cosmopolitan Abu Dhabi and Dhabi. I imagine in New York also. The thing is monies and affording life styles are all tied together and bring other problems, if not checked at the door.

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      3. I’m more of a partier than my husband and for the first part of our marriage, this bothered me and I expected him to party with me, everywhere all the time. As I’ve gotten older, I don’t have this expectation. I go and he stays home and it’s okay.

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  6. My husband is the homebody. I want to GO. When we married 27 years ago he had a motorcycle, still does, and we used to GO a lot. Now I can barely get him to go to Walmart. So now I go with my sister and friends. I work hard at accepting his changes. He works hard at making me feel guilty for wanting to go places. But I’m happy to say we are about to go on a trip. So to answer your question, I think it’s best if each partner is willing to adapt and compromise and still care enough about the other person’s happiness to go out of their comfort zone sometimes. I am willing to stay home on weekends , which is really hard for me, if he is willing to sometimes go places or at least let me go places. I am talking local and far, day trips and long trips. I’d live in an RV if I could. But I would not sell our land because I know we need a home base.

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    1. It’s hard to balance out something like this. I know a woman who recently separated from her husband of about 35 years because she loves going out and he doesn’t.

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      1. It can get hard to relate if you don’t have other things you do together. I find that people get less willing to put themselves out when they’ve been together for a long time . And if it’s one-sided, that person is going to resent doing all the work to keep the relationship together.

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  7. We seem to be at opposites most of the time. When we first met I was working in an office after I spent 4 years as a flight attendant. My focus was to have a home (an apartment at the time with MY things in it, settling down, relaxing, doing the dinner for guests thing). He was at that time living at home with his mom who had cancer. He was feeling cooped up. He delayed his travel itch or going out itch or moving out itch because he instinctively knew she wasn’t going to live much longer. So after she died he wanted to go here and there constantly…

    We took some trips. But I was only half-heartedly into it. I wanted a home, start thing about dogs and kids…he wanted to travel.

    Now? I’ve been a SAHM for 13 years and all our $ goes to the kids sports and I want to go on vacation that doesn’t involve tents. He wants to sit on the couch.

    I don’t know what the answer is. Maybe in a few years when the kids are out or at least old enough to be left alone, we can find a compromise… 🙂

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  8. Autonomy. Sunshine does stuff he likes to do, I do stuff I like to do, and we don’t force each other to participate. I don’t want to hear his bitching while I’m trying on shoes, he doesn’t want me getting fidgety in a deer stand. We have our common activities, and we have our individual activities.
    I’d totally kill him if there wasn’t some autonomy😶

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    1. Which I’m fine with. I think you have to be individuals with your own interests. I’m a fairly independent creature. But, what if it becomes a situation where you’re never a couple because your interests are so divergent

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      1. I doubt that would happen with us. However, if it did, we would find the new commonalities. 12 step recovery has truly taught us to look for the common bonds rather than the differences, which I suppose gives us a bit of an advantage.

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      3. It’s what helps such a diverse range of addicts & alcoholics come together to help each other stay clean (sober). I’ve seen some unlikely groups (like current cops and former meth cooks) come together in recovery. It’s a beautiful thing

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  9. I think it’s still important to have SOMEthing you do together once a week. Besides that, you need to connect once a day: sit down together, without distractions, and open up to each other.
    Change is inevitable, right?

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  11. My husband and I have come to the acknowledgement that we don’t need to do certain things together anymore. As we’ve gotten older, we accept that we will have a life outside of each other. He has his past times and I have mine. Key is, we also have the things we like to do together, so the stuff we do apart doesn’t affect that. We still love spending time together, we still have our hobbies together, but we also have things without each other. He and I have both changed so much over the past 25 years and it’s caused quite a few bumps in the road. Neither one of us believe marriage is forever. It’s for now. If it got intolerable, we would move on with our lives. No point in spending forever miserable. But, we do work to try and keep our love alive.

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  12. This post is fascinating to me. I married my late husband at age 34, widowed at 37 and now I am 40. I haven’t started dating yet and begrudge that someday I will because I know deep in my heart I don’t want to die lonely. But this post is giving me a positive perspective because I am not who I was in my early 30’s. I can look for someone that fits my now. Though that will change.

    I am sorry. This wasn’t your intended discussion. But I thought you might appreciate that it reasonates with others too.

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    1. I’m fine with wherever the discussion goes! Always good for thought! Just take your time. You’re strong and you’ll know when it’s right. ❤️

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  13. I’m an introvert and he’s an extrovert so there has always been things that we each enjoy more than the other. I’m a reader and a crafter and he’d rather watch TV. I love to dance but he doesn’t as much, especially since he hurt his back 9 years ago. That incident changed our lives dramatically in all kinds of ways but again, the love we have for each other allows us to go with the flow and make the adjustments. Now he’ll stand against a wall or sit in a chair and hold my hand while I dance around him 🙂 I will color while watching TV with him. He is golfing in a tournament and I am sitting on the patio going through craft magazines and sipping wine. Compromise and consideration. Again, great post.

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  14. My wife and I were just discussing a variation of what you’re getting at here just last evening. We are both frighteningly alike: we prefer nights at home to going out. It’s nice… until one or both of us realize that the potential for turning into hermits is very real. Both of our ex’s were constantly on the go (mine was a travel agent no less), so privately back then we each yearned for someone more compatible. Now that we’ve gotten what we each wanted… we need to reconcile it!

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  15. Answer #2: lol I’ve also changed in that I realize I like the beach more than the rest of my family. Once I recognized this, I’d try to get my hubby to go with me. He only wants to go once a YEAR. So, he does his once a year, and I either go by myself or with friends who also like the beach. I mean this is nothing to divorce over, I don’t think.

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  16. I think one of the worst parts of a long term union is people becoming very set in their ways. My husband doesn’t like to go out that much, but becomes the life of the party when he does and it’s annoying. He never wants to go home. We’ve solved a lot of problems by taking separate cars. I’m also the social calendar organizer. I’d love for him to plan something for us, but it always falls on me.

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  18. I am not the same person my husband married 26 years ago and he isn’t the man I married, but I think as we have grown older together we have learnt to accept the changes and just go with the flow type of thing. We are both happy and have a wonderful and happy marriage, unlike a lot of people we know. There are thing that my husband likes to do that I don’t and vice versa, so we simply do those things alone.

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