Trust.  Do we want to be able to trust our partner? Now without doing a research study, or taking a poll, I’ll venture to say that trust is something the majority of people want in a their relationship.  Without trust, there can be no intimacy.  Without intimacy there is no relationship. Does that seem reasonable?

Ok.  What if you begin to doubt your partner?

Though infidelity immediately leaps to mind, trust can rear it’s ugly head in any number of ways. I know a couple who had issues over finances: partner A no longer trusted partner B with anything money.  So, for today’s exercise, we’re going to go with financial trust.

Money is a tough issue- how do you divide and use your assets? I see this on HGTV all the time- one is a spender and one is a bit more frugal.  What if the frugal one starts to think that the spender is spending too much? What if the spender is hiding purchases from the frugal? Does a little layer of mistrust seep in? Does a whole level of mistrust push its way in?

What happens if one partner doesn’t trust the other?

Is a relationship over the minute Partner A does not trust Partner B?

Does this diminishing, or deterioration of trust ruin the intimacy, thus eroding the relationship?

Can you be in a relationship with someone you don’t trust?

Now let’s switch it a little- what if it’s little things?  What if you partner likes the house colder than you do and lowers the thermostat, but says they didn’t.  Is this a small nothing, or is it a big deal?

Can you regain trust in someone? Does time and communication (and perhaps therapy) help heal the wound of mistrust?

I know- I know.  It’s like I’m doing a survey, which I sort of said I didn’t need. But I am wondering if a little inkling of mistrust isn’t what ends up killing relationships.  Maybe irreconcilable differences is really a way of saying, “I have no proof, but my relationship didn’t smell right anymore.”

How much does trust, or lack of, effect (affect?) your relationship?

Let’s end the week with a good philosophical discussion!!

 

 

70 thoughts on “Trust Me, Trust me Not”

  1. The tough thing for me is the smaller, let’s call them disrespect issues. I manage the budget, he earns the income. We have a general guideline, not a ‘track every penny’ kind of path. He’s not a big spender but if he happens to be at x and it’s ‘ a good real’ he’ll get it. I’ll say ‘but this pay period we’re tight, you don’t need this till hunting season in Nov’ and boom we have an argument. Bec his thing may not be on sale during hunting season…

    So who has to give in? Should I be less rigid or should he stick more to the guidelines? He doesn’t shop often, how do you manage that?

    It’s frustrating and if not kept in check it could easily escalate into something bigger.

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    1. Oh boy do I understand this. I hate having to be the one who says, we have no money this week, don’t buy anything. Somehow we have managed for 27 years on one income without much of a budget, lol. But yeah, much debt . Just sympathizing with you! No advice .

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    2. That’s exactly it. You don’t want it to snowball into a bigger issue. But when does disrespect turn into mistrust? Is it better that he buys the thing and you know about it and fight then and there, or if he hides the purchase?

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  2. Having just finished reading A Stranger in the House (great read and definitely some trust issues) last night, I’d have to say that your examples of trust are pretty darn mild! 😉 Seriously, I can’t imagine living with someone where there is a trust issue, although I wouldn’t put changing the thermostat setting in that category!

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    1. It’s funny cause I just read a news article that goes into the trust area yoire hinting at, but I’m saving that for another blog. But you’re right….so many things can turn into trust issues. And, what if there’s no proof but just instinct?

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  3. I’d say suspicious thoughts can lead to trouble if not expressed. I mean, don’t stew over things, SAY something . But don’t let your mind run off down roads when there’s nothing there. You can push the other person away if you are unjustly accusing too often. Trust is very important. The world certainly encourages suspicion. I’d say work on strengthening your relationship by spending quality time together every day or as much as possible and that will build trust more than anything. As for the money thing, some people do better with separate accounts. I don’t work, so all the money he makes is my money, LOL ! Okay you ladies have fun with this. I gotta go run some miles!

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    1. Good point. Being suspicious and not saying anything can end up being worse. But, as stated, what if you’re continually suspicious? How does that work long term?

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      1. Constantly suspicious will definitely destroy respect for the other person and they’re gonna sense that and the relationship will be damaged . Mutual honesty, trust and respect are essential to a happy relationship. I guess some people stay together anyway but it sounds miserable.

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  4. For me personally separate account works. We also divide our expenses into half, I pay for half and he pays for the other half of our bills. We still have a monthly target of how each one saves but in our own accounts to use for combined purchases.

    For us it’s a fair way and works well. It’s not 50/50 all the time bc that would be too rigid but it works. I can’t stand someone looking over my account on where I’m spending my money. Likewise, i don’t try to control his.

    If one person earns and the other is just spending, there is bound to be resentment, I feel.

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  6. The smaller things have never been an issue for me. I have always tended to go with the flow when it came to things of non-importance.

    Without trust and full disclosure about anything that is questionable, there is no relationship.

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  9. Why the need to lie about a small thing like the thermostat? Clearly communication is at issue in that case if one spouse feels a need to lie or cover up their actions. Is it just to avoid an argument or something else? Over time I would likely begin to question the “something else” part I think, or begin to actively look for other issues. Right there trust is gone out the window.

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  10. Trust is everything. Keeping in mind that each marriage or relationship is uniquely different.

    My last marriage ended because I DID trust my husband and then was blindsided when he spent everything in our savings. He used up our son’s college fund, refinanced the house by forging my name, and the list goes on. All in trying to cover up His misappropriation of our funds. I got out immediately because the minute you file for divorce you cannot be held responsible for his spending from the moment he is served.
    I lived with this man , trusted him, and loved him. But I had to save my remaining assets in order to send my son, who was then a senior in high school, to college. I figured any trying to work on the relationship could be hashed out later. I needed to keep a roof over my head. In the midst of it all I lost my home because I blindly trusted someone. I learned that not everyone, even those we think we know and love, are honest and trustworthy. It’s not always about cheating. But a betrayal is a betrayal. I landed on my feet, but certainly not in the same financial way.
    My son luckily got several college scholarships and graduated magna cum laud and life went on. My husband wanted to work things out but we divorced. He then got sick.and I took care of him. We settled our differences and he died.
    And the kicker? His life insurance policy had been transferred to his mother and she got everything. I didn’t want it for mysel, but that was supposed to go to my sons. It didn’t. The kids didn’t get a dime. So trust? I am very Leary of people and keep my eyes open at all times. Women need their own bank account and own money.
    Am I bitter? Not any more. It’s not my nature to hold grudges. I remember the good times. But before I even hire a Plummer I investigate the hell out of them.
    Honesty and trust…. marriage licenses should come with lie detectors. 😂

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    1. Wow, this is a heck of an experience. I am glad you came out of it not bitter, but it does make question everyone, doesn’t it?

      I agree with what you said, women need their own bank accounts and money. I wrote about it in the comment as well.

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      1. Yes, I give that advice to every women I know. I can’t believe I didn’t think of it!!! My parents were such a dynamic duo that I didn’t think I would need to worry about that. But, I am focusing on myself now. And that is really nice. I don’t hold grudges but I have to say, every now and then I think… OMG, how did I make it through all that???? Women are strong! We continue to persevere and rise like the Phoenix.

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    2. It’s hard to trust once someone has hurt you badly. My ex husband was pretty crappy as well, so I totally understand what you went through. And it is hard to trust again

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      1. Yes, it sure is. I am a positive person and look for the good in people. Perhaps that is why I missed the signs. But now, while I still look for the good, I would never let anyone move in or share finances with anyone ever again. I am spending this part of my life thinking about my needs rather than someone else’s. (Yes, my children’s of course, but not a spouse. ) I just don’t think it is necessary any more.

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  11. When trust is broken you should forgive that person. It is very difficult to forgive someone. I understand!!! But, we are not perfect ourselves. If that person repeats the same behavior over and over again…..That starts a vicious cycle. This would ultimately destroy the relationship that you would have with this person.

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    1. I’m a huge believer in second chances. I’ve been given more than my share, so I’m willing to overlook things. The only thing is, your heart starts to harden a little bit more each time….there’s a point where you just can’t take it anymore

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    2. AR you can give people second chances but when they don’t fix their behavior then there’s no real relationship. When their actions hurt the family unit it is ridiculous and self destructive to remain in a relationship like that. There is a word in Yiddish called “shmatah”. When someone consistently breaks your trust or treats you badly that means they don’t value you. The word shmatah means rag. Then they are figuratively wiping the floor with you and don’t respect you. (Or they have a personality disorder). To stay with someone when they are not good for you or the family is not healthy. I don’t believe in staying in a bad marriage.

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  12. Trust is key. As for finances, my husband’s credit was terrible when we first got together so everything was in my name. All our banking accounts were in both names and both paychecks went into one account. I paid all the bills and we said that anything we wanted to buy over $100 had to be discussed. When I started my business I opened a checking account just for that and my paychecks and now my Social Security goes into that account. His Social Security and pension go into the joint checking. His credit score is higher than mine now since most of the credit debt is in my name. Since I see all the charges that come through on our bank and credit cards, it is pretty impossible for him to hide his spending, especially since the money is direct deposited into our account. When we were first married we did have a little issue because he would gamble on football and lose and once he even took a paycheck and went to a local casino and lost the whole thing. He was afraid to tell me so we had a little argument when he finally had to come clean and it has never happened again. When he wins the Publisher’s Clearing House contest that he is currently consumed by, we’ll have no money worries! Have a great weekend everyone!

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  13. I go with your rhetorical question at the end: that even the smallest (“inkling”) of mistrust can and does engender a growing sense of doubt in a relationship. My experience is that unless things are confronted at the start, it doesn’t improve on its own by ignoring it.

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  14. Communication is the key. Find a safe word so as to trigger conversation into things that pisses you off and play it like a game and clear the air. If it works, good. If doesn’t, then try different tactics. But you will have to talk to sort it out.

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  15. “Now let’s switch it a little- what if it’s little things? What if you partner likes the house colder than you do and lowers the thermostat, but says they didn’t. Is this a small nothing, or is it a big deal?”

    The act of lowering the thermostat then not admitting they did so is a lie. Lies are so hurtful no matter how little or big they are in a relationship. Once someone out right lies to your face about something you begin to wonder what else have they lied about. Then you question everything that is said to you by them. The lying then shatters trust in the other that has lied.

    Although what if the lie has to do with a surprise for an anniversary, birthday or Christmas would that be an acceptable form of lying to your partner?

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  17. I think being open in every relationship..is important. I went out to lunch with a friend recently and I suggested the restaurant. I should have been suspicious that they didn’t post the menu’s on line as it was the weekend. I got there ahead of her and I saw that the price of some lunch dishes was $18 and the other dishes might not be good for the keto diet I follow. I freaked out as it was my turn to pay. She came and I met her outside and finally just confided my fear of a $50 for lunch. During the summer, I am on a budget and this seemed very high. She agreed and we found dishes (appetizer) and stayed. We had to discuss it. That was good that we felt open with one another to not think we couldn’t confide that the price of this lunch is too high. Her turn next. That is a good friendship.

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  19. Former Detroit Pistons center Jason Maxiell revealed to a national television audience that he has slept with 341 women before and during his marriage to high school sweetheart Brandi Maxiell. (That is interesting to reveal on public television.) I wonder if she trusted him.

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  20. I don’t think you can have a meaningful relationship without trust…and if you can’t trust someone with the little things like the thermostat etc. and then lying about it can you trust them with bigger things like the shared budget? I would find that very difficult…

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  22. Oh, my. What an issue! My husband and I don’t have trust issues, but I doubt there’s anyone in the world more honest than he is. Sometimes trust has to do with whether the two people have similar values and definitely has to do with how well they communicate. Sometimes, though, lack of trust can be about parents who betrayed a child’s confidence
    in the early stages of life. If we bring that pain into intimate relationships I think we project onto the partner undeserved suspicion.

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  23. For me, trust is absolutely essential for any intimate relationship. Certainly for a marriage, but also for a friendship. Of course we all fail each other from time to time, but that’s okay if we acknowledge it and ask forgiveness, sincerely. I could never trust someone who could look me in the eye and lie to me. And once trust is gone, it’s gone for good.

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    1. I can handle one lie, or some lies. I think that sometimes you lie in thinking you’re protecting the one you’re lying to. But if it’s habitual, then I’m going to have an issue

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  24. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in a relationship, but I can tell you that the reason our relationship ended was because there was NO trust left. There were very, very big things, and then there were little, seemingly insignificant things that ate away any trust we ever tried to grow back. In my opinion, love is wonderful…but without trust, you have nothing.

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  25. I don’t think it’s a simple issue of black & white and I believe most of us would say that little lies don’t matter or that it’s OK to tell a lie to avoid hurting someone, but does it then become easier to tell them? A friend has a boyfriend whose first instinct is to tell a lie – even when it’s totally unnecessary. He’s told some absolute whoppers, ones that would’ve had him chucked out by most women. But he’s still there. She then started to tells lies on his behalf to her friends. Most haven’t stayed around to keep hearing them. To her, the lies are worth it as they allow her to keep a relationship she wants to have. To her friends, whilst she’s perfectly entitled to tolerate his disrespect of her, when she decided to disrespect them … the friendship was on the skids. Trust isn’t always just an issue between romantic partners.

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    1. Trust is actually an issue in all relationships. And each individual has there own threshold as to what’s acceptable and not. But, you do have to think about how it’s affecting the other person in the relationship. It’s a tough call….people might think they’re one way, but when reality sets it, they might be different…practical vs theory

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