Today- I am not starting with a thought or a question (G Sandwich- I glanced at your comment before writing today) Today is a day about introspection. And whining. FYI- I may whine a little.
A few weeks ago I went to the beach with Husband and friends. We had a lovely day. No one talked about colonoscopies or doctor visits. And I was on. What do I mean by that? I can be very charming and funny and witty. I have the ability to be the life of the party. But to be frank- this pretty much exhausts me. After clever commentary and dry jokes for HOURS, my mind is fried. And. as I was at the beach, though I wasn’t burnt, my body had still built in the heat. I had been up at 630am, hour and a half train ride to our friends, arriving at the beach at 10am, leaving the beach at 5ish- train ride home, walk to my apartment from Penn Station, ordering in chicken shawarma….by 8pm I was toast, physically and mentally and emotionally. I wanted to sit on the couch and stare at the wall. Literally. That is what I wanted to do.
But instead- my very independent daughter decided to become very needy. She had taken a practice SAT under proctor conditions that morning, and she knew it was not her best performance. She was having what we refer to as a “piglet”day (when she was little and didn’t know how to verbally express how she was feeling, we used the Winnie the Pooh characters and their characteristics to explain emotions) She was trying to cuddle and she needed sympathy.
And I pushed her away.
Because I needed space.
And of course, after the incident, I felt horrible. I’m the Mommy. I’m supposed to take care of her emotionally, especially when she’s reaching out to me.
But how can I take care of her if I’m not 100%?
But aren’t I supposed to push away my own feelings and take care of my child?
Mom guilt never ends. It’s been two weeks and I still feel bad that I let her down. I have devoted countless hours to meeting her needs, often pushing my needs aside. And I have done that willingly- that is the way that I chose to parent. And I know there are instances that I haven’t been #worldsbestmom, but this one seemed worse because I know her days of asking for hugs are fleeting. I know that a year from now I will be in a very different place. And I question myself: why didn’t I just hug her right at the moment?
To be fair, I did sit with her the next day and take care of her emotional and mental needs. I did give her all the love and support and pep talks she needed. Sometimes a kiss (both Hershey’s and on top of the head) are all that is needed. But I’m going to continually replay my actions in a loop in my mind. Yes- I am that kind of crazy, but it’s my particular specialty.
I am amidst the land of the last firsts. The last first day of school is rapidly approaching. And I’m going to click my heels and she is going to be in a cap and gown. I have to remind myself that this ride is almost over.