My Husband recently read the book “The Subtle Art of not giving a F&*%” .  (I did not read the book, so any interpretation I have of this book is through my husband, the accountant)

Husband: You should read this book.  It’s got a really interesting perspective. The author says that if you don’t think your partner looks good you should tell them”

Me: Is this guy in a relationship?

Husband: He says it promotes honesty

Me: Maybe honesty doesn’t belong in healthy relationships.

Ok- here’s the thing.  I want honesty.  I really do.  But, I also don’t want to hear that I’ve gained weight, or that a dress doesn’t flatter me.So what does that make me?  A hypocrite?  Or someone that thinks that the person I love should think I’m beautiful just because they love me?

I know there’s the joke that if someone asks their partner “How do I look?”, the immediate stock response is “Wonderful” but really, shouldn’t you always think your partner looks wonderful, even if they’re in sweats and uncombed hair? Isn’t that part of love, seeing someone at their worst and still thinking they are the best thing ever?  It’s easy to love someone when all the pieces are in the right order, when they are at the top of their game so to speak.  But if you think of it as a bell curve, your partner is going to be average the majority of the time.  You need to love the average.  You also need to love that bottom 20%.

Because that’s how to be in a relationship: loving the person 100% even when they’re at 30%.  The honesty comes in accepting the worst things that your partner is, being honest about their faults and shortcomings, and loving them anyway.  Do you need to point out their flaws? I’m going with no- they probably know what their weaknesses are. Remember: nagging is not a great way to have a strong relationship either. If you can’t accept a persons flaws, you can’t be with that person.  See, that’s the thing that crushes relationships- having the expectation that things will be different because your partner will change the exact way you want them to.

You know what else crushes relationships?

Telling your partner that they don’t look good.

So, on that note, tell the person you love that they are beautiful, because if they put up with all your flaws, they are truly the most beautiful person in the world.

 

 

64 thoughts on “Subtle Arts”

  2. “So, on that note, tell the person you love that they are beautiful, because if they put up with all your flaws, they are truly the most beautiful person in the world.” ~ Amen to this !

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  3. agreed, but i know there are instances where i’d rather my husband say the truth. i wish i could think about an instance here to make my comment more valid, and i wonder that since i can’t think of one if it means i’m looking for an excuse…. hmmmm, i have to think more.

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  4. Hit it on the nose. The last thing I need is my beloved husband of 37 years telling me ” Well, we both could afford to lose a little weight.” Seriously I know that, oh wait that was uttered a few days ago.

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  7. I think telling your lady partner that she’s gained weight or looks bad in a outfit is the surest way to a black eye. that and not getting any something something for quite a while. nope. it aint worth it.

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  12. I think there is a huge difference between being honest and being critical. You can be honest without being damaging. It’s kind of like this whole “tell it like it is” mindset that gives people an excuse to just be an a$$. It isn’t about cushioning your words to avoid offending someone who is “sensitive” but taking the time to find the right words or even deciding if words are even needed.

    If I don’t look my best and I’m getting ready to head out into public, I WANT someone to say something. I do want honesty on how something makes me look. Yes, I want to feel good in what I wear, but I also want my Hubby to think I look good too, so I do want to hear if he isn’t a fan. But there is a huge difference between letting me know something really isn’t all that flattering and just saying straight up that I’m too fat/old/ugly period. That isn’t honesty and it certainly has zero part in any kind of a healthy relationship.

    Do I need someone to tell me I look like hell when I’ve just spent the last 24 hours battling the worst intestinal virus on the planet? No and you are an a$$ if you feel the need to do so. Maybe a “Hey, are you feeling okay? You look a little _____” insert whatever, works, because it is an expression of care. If the words are geared towards showing care in an honest way, I’m all for honesty. I’m not for using honesty as a weapon.

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    1. That’s the right wording. Using honesty as a weapon. It all comes from the intention and the way it’s said. That being said, my husband has no idea about fashion, so I just expect compliments. My daughter though, I expect honesty. I don’t know how I’m going to get dressed next year when she’s off at college

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  13. I agree. I certainly don’t look the way I did 34 years ago when we married and neither does he but the basic deep down love is there. My problem is that I am finding it hard to come to grips with the bottom 20% that is being taken over by alcohol. It is starting to creep into the other 80% and I’m struggling. We’ve talked and fought and I’ve cried and begged but I’m afraid I’m getting to the “I can’t/don’t want to deal with it anymore stage. That is one “flaw” I’m not ready to accept and he doesn’t see it as one.

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  15. I just read this aloud to my husband- we both enjoyed very much and agree with your words. ❤️ tell your husband that there are other ways to tell your partner the truth without being direct and coming across as hurtful 🙃😉

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  17. Ummm…I disagree with your take on this. I think you can both LOVE someone and still say, hey…you know those jeans don’t look the best. That doesn’t mean you don’t love them, because of course, love is much deeper than telling someone what they want to hear. At the same time, I don’t think you need to crush the person, but honesty isn’t a bad thing. I also think this is where we’ve gone a little left in all relationships. We want someone to cater to us, instead of offering honesty.

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    1. I see your point, but if I’ve spent 45 minutes getting ready, and I think I look good, the last thing I want is for someone to say they don’t like the way I look.

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  23. I think I sampled the first bit of that book on audible but didn’t go for the whole thing. I do vote for being honest if your partner doesn’t look good though. My husband recently tried Sun-In because his blond hair kept getting darker. Well the stuff was turning his hair orange! I had to tell him it did not look good. Sometimes, somebody needs to stop you and just say hey, stop doing that to yourself, lol. We got a toner and fixed it so it wasn’t a brassy mess. But he would have kept on if I hadn’t said something and then I’d have to look at that blazing orange head every day…lol

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  24. Jesus is he INSANE!? Of course you don’t tell people they don’t look wonderful. Thing is, it’s not like you don’t know you look crap in your sweats and greasy hair, but what is to be gained by saying so? It’s just negative energy, man. But I tell you what, my guy better damn well say I look amazing when I pull out all the stops. I’ll tell my kids if they smell but I can’t imagine saying that to anyone else – that’s a good point, would any of you tell your other half if their breath reeked? Tricky one! I’d just buy him lots of peppermint gum until he got the message lol

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    1. I would do the peppermint gum route. I think it depends on how bad something is. If someone has a not flattering haircut, I think I’d let it alone unless they asked

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      1. Well, I had a sponsor once tell me that honesty without compassion is just cruelty, and I do agree with that. Maybe part of the reason Sunshine gets away with it with me is because he phrases it in a way that makes it clear it’s the dress and not me? I’ll have to pay attention next time something like that comes out of his mouth🤔

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  27. I don’t think it is dishonest to choose not to say something hurtful. Sometimes, silence is golden. And when that is not possible, then simply look for something that we can honestly say something good about!

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  28. Oh hell yeah – there’s honesty and there’s unnecessary insensitivity! Ain’t nothing good coming from telling me I don’t look good ESPECIALLY if it’s on a day when I ain’t feeling good either 🙂
    Oh dear, I wish we could see video clips of the reactions people receive when telling their partners they don’t look good – that would be hilarious 🤣

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  30. Pingback: Subtle Arts — Waking up on the Wrong Side of 50 – SEO

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