Yesterday I told you about the lovely B’Nail Mitzvah and horrible behavior of my in laws.  But my FIL had another trick up his sleeve.  The conversation went something like this:

FIL: I was out walking the other day. My neighbor was getting a visitor.  It was her 17 year old grandson.  I went over to talk to him.  I told him about you.

Daughter: uh huh

FIL: I showed him your picture.  See, this is why I like to take pictures of you. So I can show a recent snapshot.

Daughter: uh huh

FIL: I told him how smart you are

Daughter: uh huh

FIL: He has one more year left

Daughter: uh huh

FIL: He told me he couldn’t believe you were so pretty and that smart

Daughter: uh huh

Me: You know who you’re talking to?  She doesn’t want to date anyone

FIL:  She will when she hears this.  He doesn’t like sports.  Doesn’t watch it.  Can you imagine.  Have you ever heard such a thing?  A boy that doesn’t like sports.  Do you know anyone else like that?

Daughter: Yeah.  Every boy at my school.

FIL: Really?  How can so many boys not like sports?

Observations?

  1. FIL takes pictures of my daughter so he can show them to men/boys?  Seriously, can we just think about that for a moment before we hack into his icloud account? Can you spell C-R-E-E-P-Y
  2. Why does he assume all boys like sports?
  3. Why does he assume my daughter doesn’t want to date because she only meets boys who like sports?
  4. Why does he assume my daughter doesn’t like sports? (true- she will rarely watch a game on TV- but she is not adverse to the Mets or the Rangers or the Giants- she has given up on the Knicks though)
  5. Why does he think my daughter needs to be set up?

So I find myself at this situation- again- where people think my daughter needs to have a partner.

Why is this an issue?

Why is this the first thing some people highlight?

Why do they think that she is “lacking”?

I know this has become my soapbox, the one I will stand on.  But in an era of empowering women, we will never be able to empower anyone until we stop thinking that uncoupled women have problems or issues.

Why is it so hard to see that someone is content with who they are and what they do?  Why does having a partner make you complete?

Oh wait.  That movie.

Here’s the deal: you don’t need someone to complete you.  You need to be complete on your own.  And then if you meet someone that you like, you can have them as an add on.

Ok.  I won’t talk about this topic for a few weeks.  Or until my FIL comes over with said boy in tow…

39 thoughts on “Why?

  1. 😏he is her Grandfather. Family does stuff like this. I couldn’t go to family gatherings ;when single,w/o”so are you seeing any nice boys?”.I let it go like water off a duck’s back. You are like my sister-she gets prickly about her personal life.Imagine high,electrified fences,spot lights,guard dogs…
    I still dont have my niece&nephew’s addresses. Anything sent to them must go thru her. Doesn’t your attitude towards his parents make your husband uncomfortable?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh…I don’t think he likes them trying to set her up either…or his father’s constant asking us for money….or his father’s crude behavior in general…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Consider the age and religious background of your father in law. Consider also that he is, in his own particular way, trying to relate to his granddaughter.
    That said, I love when you’re on this soapbox! Your daughter is a strong, independent (young) woman of the 21st century. She is living her life, and may or may not decide to find a boy/man with which to share it.
    I admire her for living her life the way she chooses, the way that works best for her.
    No human should ever complete another, each human should feel complete intrinsically. And, if by some chance, one human finds another human that complements their own completeness, well, what a lovely bonus!

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    1. The problem is, I face this issue with my contemporaries as well. There are people out there who still see a single woman as a problem. Women will never get the recognition we deserve until we stop this thinking.

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  3. It’s a generational thing. Women at one time did believe they needed a man and some men still like to perpetuate that myth. I have great hope for the young people of your daughter’s generation. Maybe they can help break us out of our old, moldy molds. I just hope I get to see the change!

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      1. I’m 61 and it’s even worse among folks my age. And here in the south??? Forget about it! There are still people who believe their daughters should go to college with the sole purpose of finding a husband. I’d say I’m an anomaly in thinking like you do. It’s going to be those in the 30 and under groups who can change the paradigm. (Is paradigm the right word there?) And in the

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  4. This is what parents, grandparents, etc. do… Let them talk, smile, change the subject by offering to get them some coffee or tea… that’s what I do. THEN for laughs, watch some OLD Seinfeld re-runs… they go on and on about different topics and THAT is why we enjoyed the show. It’s just how life is. 🙂

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    1. But that doesn’t make it right. It diminishes relationships. I would never ask my daughter why she doesn’t have a boyfriend. The implication is that there’s something wrong with her if she doesn’t. We have to accept everyone for who they are. Grandparents and parents don’t get a free pass to pass judgement on someone’s lifestyle choices

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      1. Ah…. it seems to me that it is your in/laws that irritate you more than the question itself. Let go of your anger, I just don’t feel it is worth your time. If you don’t want them to ask these questions, have YOUR daughter tell them it irritates HER. THAT IS WHAT I do with my daughters… if the grandparents are irritating you, nicely tell them, and grandparents usually want to keep the grandkids happy and comply.

        Life is too short to get so angry about this stuff, in my humble opinion.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. My father is like your FIL, so over the years as I know I can’t change him, I had to decide how much energy I put into certain comments. One of my brother’s taught me how to talk back directly, rather than get angry.

        For example, I just don’t engage with him. If we are at dinner and he starts with his comments, I dramatically push my chair back and say, “If this is the conversation, I’m heading home.” If I call on the phone and he is in a mood to have derogatory comments, I say “since I am paying for this conversation I’m hanging up and will call back when you’re in a better mood.” With your daughter and her love life, I would just say, “Is that the only conversation you have to talk about, it’s an old topic and off limits.” THEN choose a topic that you know he won’t want to talk about… maybe his health. ASK HIM… “I’d much rather know about YOU, how are those knees doing??” He won’t like that conversation, there is your victory. I thank my brother for teaching me how to not get angry and instead take charge of the conversation. I had a man recently tell me to not ask questions about something that doesn’t concern me. Well, it did concern me, he was just trying to be controlling. Sure, I got angry inside, but I knew if I responded in a tirade that is what he would want, so instead I said, “There is no need to speak to me disrespectfully.” THAT WORKED… he still had words, because he was shocked at my response, BUT he backed off! Don’t mess with Brilliant Viewpoint. Just kidding, but I just mean that it’s not worth my time to engage someone who has no remorse or cannot understand that how he talks is wrong… so, I don’t get angry anymore, I just look at it as a challenge to cleverly and politely put them in their place. I taught BOTH of my daughters to do this as well. THIS works with girlfriends too… sometimes people are in pain from knees, hips, WHO KNOWS, and they are in a bad mood, so then a conversation is not upbeat… I just think it is better to say you’ll call back on another day when they are in a better mood. Maybe they get angry, but having an irritable conversation is not good either. You’ve GOT THIS! Time for you to become the General that you are and bump him down to a Seargent. 🙂 This is a good way for you to teach your daughter how to deal with men like this in College and the work place one day.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. My youngest daughter experiences this all the time. Not from family members (We don’t live near any), but with most people we encounter and strike up a conversation. She does not want to date. She does not want to have children. It started with homeschool. Socialization. When she started working. Dating. Well, she gave it a try. 3 guys. One after another. Each one proposed after 2-3 weeks. Really? She just wanted to hang out. Get to know them. Marriage? No. She has dreams and goals. She wants adventure. She wants to grow. Guys? No. No so far. And people should leave these girls alone and repeat their decisions! Since we have moved closer to family (only one state away now) I’m sure we will be hearing more about it, but she’ll probably be too busy for too long of a visit. lol

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  6. People who don’t know how to engage a young person in actual conversation tend to veer towards the personal, it is rude and none of their business. At least your daughter is secure enough with herself that this is not bothering her. Grandparents can be a trial at times because a lot of them feel that they can say anything they want because they are old and have earned the right, drives me nuts, I have learned to shut my MIL down but it has taken me over 30 years to do so.

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  7. I am very happy you as a parent notices this and find it as appaling as I do. I wish my family had. I come from a background of sexual abuse. To me it reads as if he is sexualizing her in his mind. This to me is a warning sign that he does not know his boundaries. Does not have to be all bad, if I were a parent, I would have a serious talk with him. Also, no alone time with the FIL anymore. He will be pushing the issue further and further when he gets a chance. A lot of older guys in families get low level (or high level ;-( ) excited by talking about sexual things with teenagers. Having been where I was I find this talk disgusting and it raises the hairs in my neck so to say.
    Also, nobody saying anything about behaviour like this publicly actually groomed me into finding abuse ‘normal’ and thinking it is considered ‘funny’ to have boundaries pushed and ‘not done’ and ‘not adult’, ‘not cool’ to speak against them. If your daughter says she is ‘ok’ with it, that does not mean she actually is, it can mean she is too confuses or embarrased to say she is or that she wants to be cool and all adult-like about it. Field to tread carefully. 😦 I wish people in my life had done so. 😦 Also, as a teenager it is very difficult to find the words to express which boundaries are crossed. I think my life would have been different if I had learned about that and felt supported in it in stead of being laughed at or people getting mad at me for setting them. 😦
    As I said, it does not have to be all bad, but from where I come from I fear the influence of this on your daughter might not be nice. 😦 Hope there is something in here for you.
    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank yo7 very much for your honesty and bravery is talking about this topic. And thank you for not trivializing my feeling that it’s rude at best, but could be troubling and worse. And your thoughts are actually correct because he has no boundaries and wants to be revered, and he’s not a good person. Your comments make so much sense, yet people won’t think outside of a little prescribed bubble. People say …oh you make too much of this. Blow it off. Yet you can’t blow it off. Behaviors and patterns often mean something. Thank you! Xo

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  8. My daughter is the same age as yours and this has never come up. My niece is 18 and this has never come up. I don’t think young women have the same expectations about dating as a generation ago. I would just brush him off with a line like, “Oh, she’s much too busy for a boyfriend right now. We’ll let you know when that changes,” and hope he gets the message. Good luck with this crew. They sound trying, to say the least.

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  9. 😤
    We’ve talked about this before and I feel like you do. My daughter is 28 and single. She hasn’t found the right guy for her, and she’s not desperately looking. No one has crossed her path I should say. She’s doing just fine on her own and I’m proud of her. When she was as young as around seventeen folks kept trying to push guys off on her. Seriously?!! Are most people ready to consider marriage that young? 🤦🏽‍♀️ It frustrated me to no end. Why can’t she be a happy, self-sufficient, well adjusted single young woman?! I feel your pain.

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