Posted on by LA · 56 Comments

The Orchid Show

I love flowers.  Can’t grow them, but love to look at them.  So, every year I attend the New York Botanic Garden Orchid Show.  When I began going, it was a family event: the husband and the daughter included.  Time passes, and now it’s just husband and me.  It’s bittersweet, because my Daughter has a whole life of her own (which is great) but I miss those little moments.

DSC02706DSC02696DSC02662DSC02660DSC02625DSC02534DSC02496

I’ve been attending the orchid show almost since its inception 16 years ago.  Though always beautiful, I don’t think this years show is as pretty as past shows.  My husband always makes the same joke every year:  he says, “Didn’t we see this flower last year?”  I smile and snap another 300 pictures.

Today is a wet, cold day in NYC.  School is closed due to threat of impending Nor’easter, though no snow is to be had quite yet. Hope you enjoy the pictures!

And no- I have no idea what any of these flowers are called.  I just think they’re pretty!

Posted on by LA · 49 Comments

They Were Better

I’ve talked about my daughter before, but I’m going to give you a few relevant facts so that everyone is up to speed.

  1. Very hard working and strong work ethic
  2. Wants to be a lawyer
  3. Co-Captain of her high school law team
  4. Very competetive

In the winter/spring, the law team competes in mock trial.  The teams are assigned a case, and the students research the case and act as lawyers and witnesses and compete against other teams.  There is a great deal of work involved in being on a team such as this: she probably puts in a minimum of 20 hours a week when they are prepping. (on top of the other responsibilities she has) So this is a fairly large commitment.

So, a few weeks ago they competed.  And while their defense team won, their prosecution lost.  I knew how much she wanted to win, so I told her that I was sorry that they lost.  And her response was simple:  “It’s Ok.  They were just better than us.”

She didn’t blame her teammates.  She didn’t say the judge was biased.  She didn’t complain about their mentor law firm (who really did let the team down- but that’s a whole other story) She just said that the other team was better.  She said that her team was well prepared, that everyone really performed above expectations, that they gave it their all.  They just weren’t good enough.  She said it didn’t reflect badly on her teammates because they left nothing on the table, but sometimes in life you can do all the right things and still lose.

Now, I’m going to go with nurture again, because I’ll take all the credit because I’m ultra competitive.  So seriously, I don’t take losing lightly- how did I end up with a child so mature about losing?

Here’s the thing:  I have some rules in the house.

  1. If she wanted to join something or take lessons, she must finish out stated commitment- go to all lessons, go to all games and practices
  2. These commitments come first- she wasn’t allowed to not go to something, especially in a team situation, because I stressed that it is a team, and teammates show up
  3. You always give 100% of your effort.  The end result doesn’t matter, but the effort and work do
  4. I made it very clear that sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose, and that’s life
  5. Life is not fair
  6. You can’t win something if you don’t try it (this isn’t really a rule, more of a saying, but I preached it a lot, so I’m including it)

My daughter has a room full of trophies and plaques and certificates.  She has had her fair share of wins.  But she has also had losses.  She has been losing things since she was young.  But I have shown her that if you lose, you get to be sad, or mad or whatever emotion you want.  But then you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get on with it.  Because sulking is not a lifestyle choice that winners have.  Winners keep going- even when they lose.  Winners are always in the game.

So what’s the lesson?  I’m the greatest parent in the world?  Not even close.  But you need to think about the lessons you’re teaching your kids.  Someday they are going to make all their own decisions: they need to be prepared for that.  Make sure you’re stressing the important things.

 

Posted on by LA · 62 Comments

The Water Bottle

I love my water bottle.  I mean, I really love it.

  1. It holds 32 ounces of water
  2. It’s curved like an hour glass, so it’s easy to hold
  3. It’s narrow enough at the bottom so it fits comfortably in cup holders at the gym and most movie theaters (this is actually rare for a bottle that holds 32 ounces)
  4. The cover is pink!
  5. The cover is a screw top, which means that unless I don’t close it properly, it is leak-proof, so I can throw it in my bag without worry

In short, it is my perfect water bottle.

Now here’s the story:  A few weeks ago I was at the movie theater.  I left my treasured water bottle at the movie theater.  I realized it when I was about halfway home.  The movie theater is about a 30 minute walk from my house, and it’s also not a convenient mass transit ride. (I live on the east side, the theater is on the west- it’s basically a Manhattan nightmare).  I was very bummed.

When my daughter got home she asked about my day.  I told her my tale of woe.  She sympathized.  She knew what that water bottle meant to me.  So she put her coat back on and made the trek to the theater and retrieved my water bottle for me.

My daughter did the hour round trip to get me my water bottle.  She simply said, “I know you would do this for me.  I know you have done this for me.”  There are no words for how I felt.

Now, this is one of those moments that I am going to say it’s nurture.  My daughter was nice to me because I have been an awesome Mom and raised her to be an amazing person.  Don’t you dare tell me it’s nature…

So, is it silly to be enamored with a water bottle?  Yes.  Was it necessary for my daughter to spend an hour retrieving the water bottle?  No.  Do either of those things matter?  Probably not.  My daughter did something sweet for me that didn’t cost any money, and she did it without expecting anything in return.  That’s pretty much the only gift I will ever need.

Posted on by LA · 16 Comments

Sunday Wrap Up

Another week in the books!  Wow!  How are we halfway through March?!

What I Watched

“Game Night” (movie)

NCAA tournament

Fixer Upper

What I Listened to:

Led Zeppelin

David Bowie

Eagle Eye Cherry

Sarah MacLachlen

Jewel

Belle and Sebastian

What I Saw:

Armory Show (this is a big art show, where dealers from all over the world set up little galleries inside a big space) I had recently seen a documentary about the French street artist JR, so when I found he was showing at the Armory Show I knew I had to attend.  His work is very cool- he takes photos and blows them up and it’s really too hard to give a proper explanation suffice to say it’s fun and interesting.

What I read:

You know I’m still reading “Portrait of a Lady” (Henry James)

 

 

 

Posted on by LA · 32 Comments

Gratitude Saturday

This was a tough week to find gratitude.  I found myself cranky and out of sorts.  But here are some of the things I found on the bright side.

  1. Villanova basketball
  2. Hot tea on cold, blustery days
  3. Subways being on time when I’m running late
  4. Lavender Epsom Salts
  5. Afternoon Tea with my Tea Society
  6. My decision to take three deep breaths
  7. The use of blog as journal to unload my thoughts
Posted on by LA · 65 Comments

Advice: Should You?

This week I spoke of opinion/criticism and I spoke about family.  Today, we’re going to sort of combine the two subjects and talk about advice.  Specifically, parenting advice.

I do not like to receive unsolicited  parenting advice.  There you have it.  I don’t like when anyone tells me what to do with regards to the child that I am raising.  If I want an opinion, I will ask.

Also, I do not offer unsolicited parenting advice to people.  If someone asks my opinion, I will gladly give it, but…  Sometimes I do talk about parenting when I am blogging.  Though I may be giving advice, I am not aiming it towards any specific person, I’m merely sharing my thoughts on a subject.  I think writing about parenting in the abstract is not really advice (my blog, my rules)

I have a rough plan when it comes to how I want to parent my child.  If something is not working, I figure out how to change course.  So far, this method has worked for me.  The rules that I have thought about and put into practice work FOR ME.  They are great in our specific family dynamic.  They might not be great in someone else’s. (my house, my rules)

I have had people scoff at my parenting notions.  I have people that make very passive aggressive comments about how I choose to raise my child.  To say I get annoyed by this is an understatement.  It’s not that I don’t value other opinions, but let’s just say that I don’t like certain things about their children, so why would I want to repeat their mistakes?  This most closely applies to my Mother, because I see which of her actions caused my bad behavior patterns.  Behavior patterns that I find so abhorrent that I refuse to have my child ever thing the same way.  But enough of my emotional baggage for today.

(On a side note, if you do not have children- please don’t ever tell someone how to parent.  Just remember, everyone is the best parent in the world until they have children)

Now we come to the crux of my problem that I am writing about today.  I think my Sister is making a huge parenting mistake with my niece.  Notice how I used the word think.  I don’t know for sure if it is actually a mistake.  I have no actual psychological training with which to base my thoughts on, I’m going off of instinct.

I know that I don’t know everything (seriously- I know it often appears as if I think I know everything, but I really don’t think it or know everything).  But… My logic meter is telling me that my sisters actions don’t compute.  My emotional meter is telling me that my sisters actions don’t compute. Yet, I remain silent.  Because I don’t like to give parenting advice.

Should I break my rule?

When breaking a rule, you have to ask what the benefit will be.  I run the risk of my sister not ever speaking to me again. (she runs a little hot and holds grudges and is a blamer)  I run the risk of her giving me unsolicited advice.  But…is telling her my feelings going to be beneficial to my niece?  See, that’s the unknowable thing- I have no idea if I’m right and my sister is wrong.  I have no idea if my way of doing something is actually better.  Because there are no definitive rights and no definitive wrongs when it comes to parenting.  Different things work for different people in different situations.  Parenting doesn’t come with a rule book.

I’ve actually talked around the specific subject with my sister.  I know her feelings on the issue and I’ve tried to hypothetically point out things to her, so I know her stance.  To delve more into it would be pushing the boundaries.  I know I don’t like when my personal boundaries are pushed:  shouldn’t I respect the boundaries of others?  The issue is also one that would never specifically affect my child.  I have no personal knowledge of the issues faced, so it makes my opinion less valuable.  Do I have the right to comment on something I really know nothing about?

So here I sit- wondering what the best course of action is.  Because I just don’t know what to do.

 

 

Posted on by LA · 36 Comments

Relationships: Family

Since John Mahoney of “Frasier” fame passed away last month, I’ve been working my way through the reruns.  Along with being a funny show, it was also filled with surprising bits of wisdom.  One episode has Daphne asking “Why is it so easy to love our families, but so hard to like them.”  Truer words were never spoken.

My Sister and my niece were in town a few weeks ago.  They live in Seattle (I know- odd Frasier connection), so we only see each other once a year.  As they were staying with my Mom, this meant I saw more of my Mother and Father.  Even though my parents live in New Jersey, I try to limit how often I see them.  Because, you know, it’s easy to love your family, but hard to like them.

Nothing increases my stress level more than time with my Mother.  Arguments abound.  We’ve never learned how to communicate with one another.  Every conversation turns into a yelling match, and a show down as to who can interrupt the others the most.  I don’t think I completed a sentence for four days.  It ends with my Mother saying something along the lines of “I’m not screaming.  I’m Italian.  This is how we talk.”  My Father is the opposite though- he sits stoically in the chair and says little.  And my Sister, well, she is the Queen of pushing buttons.  She is also the most sensitive person on the planet.  She thinks every sentence uttered is a personal attack against her.

Happy day.

I love my family.  I truly do.  But spending time with them is excruciating.  I had a headache for the better part of the week because we are truly unable to communicate with one another in a rational manner.  I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when we are together.  I try to stay calm, but my Mother and Sister often say the most ridiculous things.  Ok- to be fair- they may not be ridiculous if you are a stark raving lunatic, but if you’re trying to be a somewhat logical, rational person, their statements may come across as a tad antagonistic.  My Mother has opinions on most subjects.  If she doesn’t have an opinion on something it’s because she doesn’t think it’s a “worthy” topic.  Needless to say, my Sister has the exact opposite opinions of my Mother.  And she makes that known.  In fact, I believe that all the residents of my 19 story apartment building know her opinions on everything.

But I think you get the idea that the visit was mainly spent yelling.

I love my family.  I know they love me and would always be there if I needed them.  I just have a great deal of trouble being in the same room as them.

Never fear.  There will be a few more posts that detail some of the more fun moments of the trip, as I try to logically break down exactly why you can love, yet not always like your family.

Posted on by LA · 45 Comments

Criticism vs Opinion

A few weeks ago I mentioned something from my writing class. When I presented work, I was given competing critiques by two of my fellow writers: one classmate said my characters sounded too old, while another said my characters sounded too young.
So: was this an example of criticism/critique or an example of opinion?
What’s the difference? Lucky for you I have been overthinking this topic for weeks, and I have come up with the following self definitions.
Criticism/critique can be substantiated by a specific thing. You can tell someone an actual reason why something isn’t working. For example, one of my classmates recently wrote a story in which the narrator called another character a “dick”. My critique was that I had a problem with that specific word choice to describe the character because up to that point (and the rest of the story) there was no specific example to make this word be an apt description. Further, the action the character did show clearly did not qualify him as being a “dick” in any way, shape or form.  Critique is when you can pinpoint a place where the story starts to lose momentum, or jump the shark.  It’s also something that the majority of readers will have an issue with.  I’m not saying to write to the masses- you need to forge your own path and be happy with what you put on a page- I’m just saying that if 4 out of 5 readers think the ending is crap, you really have to consider if the ending is indeed, crap.  Also, to be clear, I realize that critique can be a form of opinion, but it’s valid to really consider these points when rewriting.

Now opinion.  An opinion is something that may very well be unique to the specific reader.  An opinion is influenced by what a reader brings into the reading, what their background knowledge is.  In the case of my story, the reader that said the characters seemed too young was 25 years older than me, while the reader that said the characters seemed too old was 25 years younger than me.  They clearly had an age bias that was neither good nor bad, but may not have been valid.  At 25 one might not have any idea that a 58 year old may not have the energy to party all night, while an 80 year old may think that 58 year old characters talking about their sex lives seems juvenile.  Is either reader right?  Doesn’t matter.  If the characters consistently behave in the same manner and their words and actions are in a linear path, they’re probably written correctly for the story.  (this is not to say I have written a perfect story- just that my characters have a pattern that is logical throughout- I hope).

I realize that I am splitting hairs, because opinion can be criticism, and criticism can be opinion.  But when judging other people’s work, we must be careful to think about the why – why something makes us feel negative or positive.  When someone bestows upon you the honor of reading their work, you must go into it with a clear and open mind.  It’s like taking a standardized test:  read and respond to what is written in the text presented to you, and answer questions and form opinions solely on that.  Your life experience doesn’t matter:  what matters is the way the work was written.  Does what the author say make sense? The minute you think “Well, in my experience…” you are no longer giving criticism: you are giving opinion.  Your expectation is that the situation in the story will play out the same way the situation in your life did.

So I will ask you my friends:  what is criticism and what is opinion?  When reading something do you automatically bring in background knowledge?

I really want your criticism/opinion.

Posted on by LA · 70 Comments

My Commandments

I have one of those Page A Day calendars on my desk, particularly, The Gretchen Rubin A Happier 2018.  It contains inspirational quotes, tip and just things that help my day get off to a good start.  A few weeks ago, the calendar talked about having a list of personal commandments to live life by.  So, it got me to thinking about what are the rules I want to live by.  So, here goes:

  1. Respect others
  2. Listen to what people are saying instead of spinning my interpretation on it
  3. Don’t hold grudges
  4. When in doubt, forgive
  5. If my instinct says that something doesn’t smell right, listen to that instinct
  6. Be a parent, not a friend
  7. Don’t worry about pleasing others, because someone is always going to have a problem with what I do
  8. The past is a nice place to visit, but I don’t want to live there
  9. Take personal responsibility for my actions (ie don’t blame others)
  10. Prepare for the future, but live in the present
  11. Try not to overthink things
  12. Talk to people, not at them
  13. Accept criticism gracefully
  14. Remember that some people are not as smart as me in some ways, nor as dumb as me in others
  15. Be open minded to new ideas
  16. Don’t worry about what others think of me
  17. Always know both sides of an argument before taking a stand
  18. Always check the weather before I leave the house
  19. If a subway car is empty, there’s probably a good reason
  20. Write things down- memory will only get you so far

There are probably others, but these are the things I really try to do, sometimes with more success than others.  I think it’s a good idea to have some sort of internal code of conduct.  Sometimes we reach a crossroads, and it’s nice to have a little roadmap as to what we value: it helps us choose the next path.

So, it’s homework day:  Think about your personal commandments.  What’s the code you live by?

Posted on by LA · 39 Comments

You Matter

Ok.  It’s secret day.  First secret:  I buy the majority of my skin care products from the drug store.  I don’t use big name, expensive brands.  Second secret: I’m a little crazy with skin care.  There is nothing I hate more than dry skin, and the older I get, the dryer my skin gets.  It’s like the ‘be careful what you wish for’ thing- when I was younger my skin was a bit oily and I longed for it to dry out.  Well, I got what I wished for.

I believe I have separate lotions for every part of me.  I don’t go anywhere without hand cream.  My life is a constant battle to not have my skin crack off.  So I use a product on my face known as serum.  It goes on before moisturizer, and adds an extra level of protection.  I’ve been buying No. 7 for a few months now, so I recently went to replace it.  Unfortunately, I did not remember which particular formula I had bought, so I began reading the packaging for the four different serums that they manufacture.  While I was comparing and contrasting, a young (very) salesperson came over to me.  She was asking me what problem I was trying to overcome.  Here’s the third secret:  I don’t like being helped in a store unless I ask.  I am perfectly capable of figuring things out on my own.  So I was a bit ornery when I responded “Well, you tell me.  You see my skin.  Which serum should I be using?  Am I spots, wrinkles, fine lines or industrial strength?”  She looked at my face and then she replied, “Well, actually, your skin looks great.  Seriously, it’s in really good condition.  Which one do you use now?  How long have you been using it?  You could be the commercial as to why you use it, because your skin looks great.”

So what’s the point?  Was this just a big ploy to tell you how great my skin is?  No.  And yes.

Take care of yourself.  This doesn’t mean spending a lot of money.  It doesn’t mean being a slave to advertising.   But it does mean washing yourself properly and using products that will keep your skin healthy.  Just take what you have and be the best you that you can be.

Sorry, you can’t reverse time.  You can’t become younger.  You can’t make wrinkles go away, or reverse damage, or any of the things that skincare claims.  No one is ever going to tell me I look 44 because I use a serum.  But you can do your best to maintain what you do have.

Take care of your mind.  Take care of your body.  Take care of your skin.  These are the things you have.   Work with what you have and treat them kindly.  There is no miracle cure once things go south.  Maintain what you have.  It is not vain to take care of yourself.  You matter.  Treat yourself like you do.

I have received absolutely no compensation for talking about No. 7.  It was just a detail to my post.