I made a resolution/goal to be more stylish.
I know. How does one do that? What did I even mean?
I always wear black. It’s sort of a joke amongst my friends- whenever one of them is doing something and they ask “What should I wear?” I say “black”. To me, a black dress, or pants or whatever always wins out.
So to be clear, when I said I want to find style, I don’t mean changing the color of my clothes. I just feel the need to add a little oomph to my wardrobe. I’ve seen my hair go from brunette to blonde. I’ve seen new wrinkles appear in unlikely places. I don’t wear heels anymore. I’m a bit heavier than I used to be. So I feel an internal need to add just a little something to my wardrobe.
Enter Stitchfix. We know my love. (and no- I am not getting a kickback- it’s just been a really good thing for me) Last month, my stitchfix box included a scarf. Not a heavy duty one, but a pretty thing meant to be warn as an accessory.
So, I got the scarf on a Saturday morning. I loved it. I thought it was the right thing for me. I was meeting my family for lunch that day, and along with a pair of leggings and a black t shirt, I tied the scarf on. And then I went to lunch.
My daughter laughed when she saw me enter the noodle shop. “What?” I said. (I mean, I am a Mom, so I’m used to being laughed at) and my daughter answered “You look so happy. I’m laughing because you’re smiling.”
So there you have it. Clothes and such do affect how I view myself. I feel better when i wear an outfit I love.
Is this shallow? I don’t know. Part of me doesn’t want to care about what I wear. Part of me wants to be above physicality. (this is my emotional baggage- I have all sorts of issues due to my Mother’s attitude towards physical attractiveness) But, what’s wrong with liking what you wear if you’re only doing it for yourself?
I think I am always going to struggle with doing things that enhance my appearance. I have visions of my mother who wears sunglasses at night, indoors if she is not wearing make up. I hear her voice in my head saying “What? no lipstick? What kind of dress is that? Did you buy a new dress for _______”. I think my Mother is incredibly shallow when it comes to these things. I tend to want to go to the exact opposite direction. But- is that the right way to go?
So, at 53, I’m starting to reconcile my looks and my appearance. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s OK to like what I wear, love what I wear, as long as I’m doing it for me. And it’s OK if I feel a little better if I am pleased with how I look. These have been lifelong struggles for me. But I’m getting there.