Posted on by LA · 23 Comments

Valentines Day 2018

On Valentines Day, I will leave you with the lyrics to my favorite love song.  I know it’s not a song that most people will pick to celebrate a day of love, but it resonates with me.  When I think of love, I think of this song.  This is my gift to you!  Happy Valentines Day!

Patience
Guns N’ Roses

One, two, one, two, three, four
Shed a tear ’cause I’m missin’ you
I’m still alright to smile
Girl, I think about you every day now
Was a time when I wasn’t sure
But you set my mind at ease
There is no doubt you’re in my heart now
Said woman take it slow, and it’ll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience
Said sugar make it slow and we’ll come together fine
All we need is just a little patience (Patience)
Mm, yeah
I sit here on the stairs
‘Cause I’d rather be alone
If I can’t have you right now, I’ll wait dear
Sometimes I get so tense but I can’t speed up the time
But you know love there’s one more thing to consider
Said woman take it slow and things will be just fine
You and I’ll just use a little patience
Said sugar take the time ’cause the lights are shining bright
You and I’ve got what it takes to make it
We won’t fake it, I’ll never break it
‘Cause I can’t take it
Little patience, mm yeah, mm yeah
Need a little patience, yeah
Just a little patience, yeah
Some more patience, yeah (I’ve been walking the streets at night, just trying to get it right)
A little patience, yeah (Its hard to see with so many around
You know I don’t like being stuck in the crowd)
Could use some patience, yeah (And the streets don’t change but maybe the names)
(I ain’t got time for the game ’cause I need you)
Gotta have more patience, yeah (Yeah, yeah but I need you)
All need some patience (Ooh I need you, whoa I need you)
Just a little patience is all you need (Ooh, this time, ah)
Songwriters: (USA 2) SLASH, IZZY STRADLIN, DUFF MC KAGAN, STEVEN ADLER, W. AXL ROSE
© Universal Music Publishing Group
Data from: LyricFind

Posted on by LA · 86 Comments

Why Valentines

Back in the early days of our relationship, Husband and I did not celebrate Valentine’s Day.  Hallmark holiday we called it.  Day specifically intended to make people spend money.

Then, when our daughter was born, we still didn’t celebrate it with each other, but we made sure we had things for her.  Little presents, candy, whatever.  In elementary school I watched as she made little Valentines Cards to give to her classmates.  I remember how excited she was to make a little cardboard mailbox in school, and come home with a box filled with little notes and candy and whatever else kids put in the boxes.  Valentines Day had become another reason to celebrate my daughter.

Then a few years ago, Husband and I began celebrating Valentine’s Day.  No presents, (we all know that I hate receiving presents) but we would go to dinner. And it is nice to go out on Valentines Day, even if it’s an overpriced prix fixe menu.  As long as you go out during the rest of the year too.

Here’s the thing:  it’s supposed to be a day to celebrate your relationship.  But you should try to celebrate your relationship at least once a week.  All year.

I know.  Babysitter.  Expensive.  Exhaustion.  Lack of free time.   I get all that- been there, done that so to speak.  But figure out a way to celebrate your relationship.  One night, stay up a little later and watch a movie or tv show.  Play a game.  Get up 20 minutes early to have coffee together before the rest of the house is up.  Something.  Anything.  Just once a week.

Because relationships need to be worked on.  Relationships need to be nurtured. Your relationship should be one the top priorities in your life.  If it’s not, you seriously have to ask yourself why it isn’t.

On top of spending time with your significant other, I want you to think about it another way:  think about what lesson you are teaching your children.  Children don’t learn from what we say.  Children learn from what we do.  They learn from our actions.  If we show them that relationships don’t need to be worked on, that our significant others aren’t important, what lessons are they going to being to their own relationships?  What kind of partners are they going to end up being?  Your children are watching how you and your partner treat one another.  They’re watching.  Remember that.

Treat your partner with courtesy and respect.  Fight fair (because kids should see you get into and out of arguments).  And show them the love.  Show them the wanting to spend time together.  Show them that you want to be alone with your partner.

Because if you don’t respect your partner, or treat them with courtesy, or fight fair, or show them love, or want to spend time together, or want to be alone with them- if you are not making a little effort to be with them:  what are you doing with that partner?

And there’s your Valentine’s message…..

 

Posted on by LA · 56 Comments

Both Sides

I recently had a substitute instructor for my body conditioning class.  She was a great instructor and taught a great class.  She also had a funny, nice personality and she made a comment about breathing and relaxing muscles when we work because we’re too tense.  And then she added, “Please don’t go calling corporate telling them I said you were unhealthy.”  And she said it in a joking manner, but the implication was clear.  Because people really do that.  They take things at absolute face value, and twist the words so that the meaning becomes murky.  And then they report it to the higher ups.

Hmmm

Now, if you read my blog, you all know that Verizon and I had a little dust up a few months ago.  And I did start emailing everyone at Verizon.  (seriously)  And I am no fan of customer service.

But…

How do we determine what is actually a reason to call the higher ups versus what’s just not worth it?  I guess it determines how much time you have on your hands, and how much the transgression offended you.  Of course, if you did not get goods or service you paid for, then hell yeah…you have every right to complain.  But actually, I’m not going to talk about the bad in customer service.  I’m going to focus on the good.

On the same day my instructor made this comment, I went shopping at a physical Staples (office supply) store.  I had seen a product online that I thought would be perfect for my needs.  I saw it was available at one Staples in my general vicinity (here’s the thing about living in a large city- i have about 15 of these stores within a 2 mile radius)

When I got to the store I was greeted very warmly by the cashier, who directed me to the section I needed.  When I got to the section, I could not find the item I was looking for, and I was 99.9% sure I was in the right area.  I found an employee, told him what I was looking for, and he spent 10 minutes on a ladder and was able to locate what I needed.

I thanked him, paid for the item with the very sweet cashier and I left for home.  On my 20 minute walk in the rain, I reflected on what the sub instructor had said that morning.  I then thought about the wonderful service I had just received.  Then I thought that this was too much thinking for a Sunday morning.  But still my mind trudged on.  People will take time out of their busy lives to complain about even a small infraction, or what they perceive as a slight.  But how often to we go out of our way to commend a good employee?

So I went home and wrote to Staples and told them that I didn’t get the names of the two employees, but that this particular location should be recognized for their nice manners and willingness to help me out and be pleasant.  (and yes, i realize that this is their job, but still, they should be recognized for doing their job well)

So now, I’m going to make it a point to commend people who are doing a good job.  It’s very easy to complain:  it should be just as easy to give good feedback.  Don’t you feel good when someone compliments you?

Now this isn’t a resolution, or even a goal.  It’s just going to be my new way of thinking.  Positivity. Positively.

 

Posted on by LA · 82 Comments

The Socks

Last weekend I had date night with my Husband- dinner (awesome sandwich shop) movie (The Disaster Artist- I know-James Franco is on the shit list, but don’t throw every other person who worked on this movie under the bus- good movie) and shopping.  Shopping you say?  Yes.  We had time between dinner and movie so we ran to discount store cause my husband needed new gym socks.

Now, my blog friend Andrea recently wrote a blog posing the question, “Are products for men geared to be more simple” (well- to be fair she’s a brilliant writer and her hypothesis was worded much better, but you get the idea)  i commented to her- “No.  men just don’t like going through the hoopla of many choices etc.”  I know I’m generalizing, but I’m going to give you my real life example

My Husband actually had a specific idea of the gym socks he wanted.  Sort of.  He currently had gym socks that went about halfway up his calf.  He did not like these.  He wanted something else.

Fine.

We approached the sock display.

me: What kind of socks do you want?

him: Ones not like the ones I have.

me: ( I held up a pair of quarter length socks) These?

him: How high do these go up?

me: They cover the ankle bone but that’s about it

him: Is that good?

me: Depends what you want.  This is length I get, because I like when my gym socks come over my sneakers.  It’s more comfortable for me

him: I don’t know

me: (I pick up a more ped like variety) These will be completely inside your shoe.  you will not see them

Him: (makes face)

me: (I hold up a pair that is between a ped and a quarter length) these will come up just slightly above the sneaker edge

him: (make face)  what do you think?

me: I don’t know what you want.  What’s the goal?

him: I don’t like the socks I have now.  They are too high.

me: Fine.  These are all shorter.  Which ones do you want?

him:  I don’t know.

me: (bang head against sock display)

You get the idea.  When faced with a plethora of sock choices my husband was at a standstill. It was his personal “Sophie’s Choice”.  To add more, once he’d decided on quarter length, we then had to choose brand, color and amount.  By the time we were on the checkout line I had a headache that only popcorn and a diet coke were going to cure.

When my Husband knew I was going to the drug store, he asked me to buy him a new toothbrush.  I asked him “What kind?”.  His response. ” Just choose one.”

So:

  1. Do some people have trouble making a decision when faced with myriad choices?
  2. Are there too many options out there?
  3. How often do people really know what they want?
  4. Will my Husband actually like the socks he bought, (quarter length, black and grey, 10 pack, reebok) or will be back at discount store this weekend?
Posted on by LA · 84 Comments

How Do I Put This?

There are about a thousand ways I can approach todays blog topic, because it brings up some observations about me, my personality and my relationships.  When I figure out how to discuss it, you guys will be the first to know.

I am a fairly organized, type A sort of person.  I know- I just revealed a fact you did not know.  The majority of my friends are like me:  we plan things months in advance, we deal with lists and our planners are never far from us.  I have one friend who is not a planner, but she understands my not so laissez faire attitude, so she adjusts a little for me (the very definition of good friend).  I surround myself with like minded people.  And lets face it- I live in a city not really known for its laid back attitude.  There’s a whole bunch of people here just like me, and actually, much more organized than I am.  Ok- so here’s point 1.

My Husband is somewhat type A like me- he likes things organized and planned out.  However, he is not actually a planner.  He hates the actual task of organizing.  He continually double books himself  because he makes plans and either doesn’t write them down, or doesn’t check his calendar before he makes new plans. ( I have many fun and interesting stories about having to play plan Jenga after he’s successfully booked us/him at four different things on the same night)  Now, since my Husband is technically type A-, his friends are a little more varied:  he has friends that are total planners, and friends that just go were the mood takes them, who live life with a devil may care attitude.

This past month, this cause some problems.  We made plans with a couple, S and R, a month ago.  They wanted to do something fun, I suggested a Motown Revue at a club, they agreed.  I bought tickets.  A month ago.

Two days before the event, S calls my Husband and says, “Wouldn’t it be fun to go to a comedy show at X?” Which would be great if A) I hadn’t already bought tickets for the music revue, and B) the comedy show wasn’t sold out already, cause everything in this city sells out in advance. (side note- if a New Yorker is walking down the street and sees a long line, the New Yorker will often just join the line because they assume whatever it is is worth waiting for.  That’s how we found the absolute best cream puffs ten years ago).

I was irrationally angry that S wanted to change plans right before game day.  My feeling is, if you want to go to comedy, just say that in the beginning.  A type like me sees that behavior as passive aggressive, whether or not it actually is.

We had a similar situation with R.  R was throwing a surprise birthday party for his girlfriend.  He gave us the date a month in advance.  No problem.  I blocked it out in my calendar.  Problem was, until two days before the party, we didn’t know where, or what time the party was.  This was after my Husband texted the guy at least six times.  When he finally got back to us, we realized the party was not in Manhattan- we would need to take a railroad.  Which runs on a schedule.  Meaning to be there for the “Surprise” we would have to be on a certain time train.  Which conflicted with afternoon plans that I had.

Now I figured out how to make all the plans work- I did the whole arrange the puzzle pieces thing.  And on Saturday morning, the day of the party, we get a Facebook invitation.  R is having a SECOND party for his girlfriend, and it’s DOWN THE BLOCK from our apartment.

I was not happy.

Of course, it took 30 seconds for me to realize I have something else to do the night of the 2nd party.  It took my Husband 20 minutes to figure out he had something the same night as well.

But, we figure it out, you know, putting all of our brain power into it- cancel Saturday, figure out how to work in 2nd party, etc.

So tonight is the night of the second party.  I also have a meeting tonight that I need to go to.  When I told two of my friends that I was going to race out of the meeting as soon as it’s adjourned, one of my friends said

“You shouldn’t go to the party.  Tell your husband there’s no need to go cause it’s not your friend.  Why should you go to the party anyway?  You already have plans.  You knew about this meeting.”

I told her that this was something I had to fit in, etc, and she argued why I didn’t need to go, etc., and though she made valid points, I knew I had to fit in both.

And this brings me to the next conundrum:

What’s the line for what events you should attend with your spouse?

I am really independent, and I give my husband a really long leash.  He goes on ski weekends without me, yearly guys trips, and attends many parties without me. (for the record, I hate large gatherings.  i hate introducing myself.  I hate small talk)  I am most definitely not the tag along spouse.

But…

I think there are some events I must attend.  This not so great planning guy is actually one of my Husband’s closest friends.  I often see him socially.  This is a party I would feel bad about not attending because the friend is a good guy.  I had to figure out how to make this work.

So, in my longest and most convoluted post ever, here’s the questions:

  1. Can planners and non planners be friends?
  2. Do you need to attend every event as a couple?
  3. Do you need to book things a month in advance?

Thanks for listening to this weeks dilemma!!

 

Posted on by LA · 70 Comments

Can You Describe That?

In my writing class last semester, I wrote a scene.  My two main characters were in a car.  I wrote “He put the radio on.  80’s rock.”  I received feedback when I presented the scene in class- six people asked me specifically what song was playing on the radio.

Last week, my classmate wrote a scene.  The scene specifically named a Duran Duran song.  She got criticism that naming the song was too specific, that the reader needed to google the song to understand why it was important.

Two people critiqued, and given contradictory information.  What does a writer do?

I spoke last week about my difficulty with organically writing description into my story.  I’m still confused and working in description limbo, but I am starting to come up with my own sort of description bible.  Remember:  I am not a published author.  I don’t know anything.  This are some of my thoughts as I work out my novel.

Description should add to a scene, not detract from it.  In the scene I wrote in the car, I’m sticking with the generic 80’s rock works in the scene because it’s a general setting.  These are people who grew up in the 80’s and this type of music is comforting.  They are also the kind of people who listened to rock music as opposed to jazz.  Generic works.

In my friends story, the scene was a little more specific: the song had special meaning to the two characters in the scene, which is why she named it and had a line of lyrics.  I think in that case, specific was necessary.

If you are using a detail, make sure it is helping the reader set the scene.

If you are moving a platter across the table, ask yourself if giving description to the platter adds or detracts.  If the platter is antique, and shows a particular part of a character, than talk about it.  If the rest of the scene is what’s important, how many words should go into talking about this platter?  Don’t add words that don’t add to the overall story.  If it doesn’t matter, it will bore the majority of readers.

Which brings me to my next point:  everyone has an opinion.  Two people will critique something and come up with contradictory opinions.  As a writer, go with what your instinct is telling you.  You know what you are trying to do.  And I don’t mean blindly listen to the person who agrees with you, I mean really think about what you are trying to get across with your words, and if the words make sense to your vision.

Don’t laundry list.  Seriously.  “She went to the black, modern, metal cabinet and took out a thick hot pink mug that she bought on sale at Macy’s last year.”  Do you need all the adjectives?  Maybe.  Are there other ways to convey the same information that are more lyrical and less in your face?  definitely.

Some people are just more descriptive than others.  Some people write long, languorous, fully loaded sentences and it works beautifully with what they are trying to accomplish.  That’s great- for that writer.  It might not be good for another writer.  Know your strength and work with it.  Accept your weakness and try to  get around it.

I struggled on Monday when I tried to rewrite an early chapter in my book.  It’s the first time the reader is seeing the neighborhood in which my character lives.  I know I need to give it texture and physicality.  I was struggling adding the details organically.  I was getting caught up in describing the place, and forgetting that this scene was important.  the purpose of the scene was to show conflict between the main character and her three friends- she is doing something they don’t understand, but I was writing paragraphs about what the neighborhood looked like, and it was a waste of energy because it wasn’t moving the scene forward.  It was detracting from the importance of the scene.

In writing class last night, my teacher said something that made a lot of sense.  (Who knew- teachers say important things)  He said sometimes three of four words can be more impactful than a paragraph, that it’s just a matter of choosing the right three or four words.

Then, when I came home from writing class, my daughter was finishing up an AP Language and composition assignment.  She began to tell me about the part she was about to do. The question asked how the syntax of a particular sentence made the sentence stronger and more meaningful.  (they were asking about a David Forster Wallace essay)  And I realized that the way I structure a sentence is actually really important.  (who knew- sometimes your teen can teach you something)

So when I rewrite the horrible scene, I am going to remember these two things.  I’m going to pay attention to how I describe the setting without getting bogged down by it.  I need to remember that the setting is texture, but it’s not the story.

I will figure out how to write description.

Or I will throw the laptop out of the window.

 

 

Posted on by LA · 41 Comments

John Mahoney

I love comedy.  I love sit coms.  I love dialogue.  I love wit.  When I am writing, I find that I am often funny, sometimes witty, and rely on clever dialogue to get my point across.  My cleverness with words is my greatest strength.  Well, it’s my greatest strength when it works, my greatest weakness when it fails.  Because funny is really hard.

Last night I learned of the death of John Mahoney, the actor best known for playing Martin Crane on the sitcom “Frasier”.  Of all television shows in the history of the world, Frasier is my absolute favorite.  I could sit and watch reruns of this show ad infinitum.  It embodied the most marvelous dialogue and the most gifted of comic actors.  Their timing and facial expressions and ability to deliver a line are unmatched.

This show rarely missed the comic mark.  It hit on all cylinders every time out.  When I’m working on my book, I often think of the way this show handled the absurdity of human emotions, how it took an idea, and made us look at it as both realistic and heart breaking at the same time.  We felt for the characters as well as laughing at the obvious joke.  I want to write like these writers.  I want my words to me read with the timing and physicality of an actor like John Mahoney.  His is a voice i would like my reader to have in their head, his ability to be completely understated as he says something witty or sassy, as they read my novel.

I wasn’t supposed to write about this today.  This post now totally throws off my schedule, but I had to write a little bit about the show that I most admire, the show that embodies the way I wish to write dialogue, the show that inspires me, and one of the actors that brought this show to life.

RIP Marty Crane/John Mahoney.

Please look it up if you get a chance.  You know I don’t include clips cause I hate the copyright clauses.

side note- still experiencing wordpress problems, but now the site just crashes on me.  apologies.

Posted on by LA · 69 Comments

Winter Blues

A few weeks ago I told you how I’d been a little cranky and whiny.  The Winter blues: when the cold and gross weather just starts to inject itself into your brain.  I normally get it to some degree, but this year it seemed to be just a little bit worse, but I didn’t know why.  And then, I figured it out.

I usually begin planning my summer vacation in January.  My family comes up with choices, I do some research and then I come up with the destination.  I spend all winter planning the summer vacation.  It’s a great mood booster.

This year, the normal plan is altered, as I have not really begun planning the summer trip.  This year, our sojourn will be spent visiting colleges.  The problem is, my daughter still doesn’t know what schools she wants to visit.  Can’t plan a trip if you don’t know where you are going.  We also can’t really lock down dates, as she has applied for a bunch of internships and we will not know till March or April if she gets anything.  So we’re in vacation limbo.

I’m a planner.  I hate the unknown.  It’s making me uneasy to say the least.  She’s come up with some cities- Atlanta, St. Louis, Cleveland and Greenville so far.  I’m drawing out some routes, figuring out the best way to connect the dots and find some culture/attractions along the way, while keeping my nose to the mail to see which colleges she has actually requested more info from.  She hasn’t met with her college counselor yet, she’s waiting to take the SAT and see her score, so more schools could be added after that.  At this point I’m hoping they will be along the route.  Of course, everything east of the Mississippi is potentially part of our route.

There is a bit of upside potential though.  My bucket list is to visit all 50 states.  As luck would have it, I’ve never been to Missouri or Ohio or Georgia (driving through doesn’t count).  This checks 3 states off the list, and if I plan the route right, I can visit Mississippi.  So I am focusing my energy on collecting at least three more shot glasses for the collection.  I am getting excited about checking things off my list.  I finally have something to look forward to.

Slowly, I hope to pull out of the malaise that has hindered the beginning of 2018.  The sun happens to be shining through my window right now, so today is at least off to a good start.  And maybe I’ll see what delights await me on my proposed vacation route.  I’ve always wanted to see The Arch…..and The Varsity….and Rock and Roll Hall of Fame…and…

 

Posted on by LA · 44 Comments

I Release You

Last month was “Give up your resolution Day”.  Today, I officially absolve you of your obligations and resolutions and goals that you have not done anything with.  After all, I’m the only one who really counts as far as forgiveness goes…

What?

No.  What other people think doesn’t matter.  Forgive yourself.  Forgive yourself for all the resolutions you set and didn’t follow through on.  It’s OK.

If you’re beating yourself up because you didn’t made it to the gym once, or cause your diet is stalled at page 4 of the new diet book, or your junk drawer is still filled with you know, junk….just stop.  What good is berating yourself going to do?

I love the idea of resolutions and goals.  And that’s part of the problem:  people love the idea of them.  They just don’t actually love doing the work they entail.

Why is this?  Well, people think they should be thinner.  Great.  But the process of getting thin is hard.  It requires a change in eating habits, an increase in exercise, in short: discipline.

There’s a lot of people out there who don’t do discipline.

Accept that about yourself.

It’s OK to not be disciplined.

Really.

Because when you stop feeling guilty about not having discipline, guess what?  You feel better about yourself.  And when you feel better about yourself, magical things happen.  When you feel better about yourself, you give yourself the freedom to go after the things you REALLY want, not the things you think you should want.

When you’re not feeling guilty, you allow yourself to feel happy.  You can’t be happy, fulfilled and guilty at the same time- your mind doesn’t work that way.   The guilt will weigh you down.  (There’s a theory about criminals:  if a guilty person is in the interrogation room they will be very calm, as opposed to the innocent person in the same room, who will be agitated.  When you know you’ve been caught, your mind automatically relaxes.  See what you learn from reading mystery books?)

So, throw out that piece of paper with your list on it.  Delete it from your phone.  Just be yourself.  Accept your strengths and your weaknesses.  Embrace them.

It’s Ok to not have a goal.  It’s OK to not want the same things as others.  It’s OK to be yourself, in whatever form that is.

Posted on by LA · 73 Comments

Girl Talk

I’ve noticed a common theme in blogs recently- Moms upset that their teenage daughters are pulling away from them.  I guess it’s the season: it’s the second half of the school year, kids are getting closer to the next grade, the next school, the next milestone.  Moving up and moving on is right in the crosshairs…Mom’s are in the rearview mirror, waving and running towards the car, tears in their eyes….

What happened to my baby?  The words to “Sunrise, Sunset” purr through the mind.  When did I lose my daughter?

Well, to be fair, you started to lose your child pretty much after they were born.  From the moment they breathe air and the umbilical cord is cut, your daughter is striving for independence.  (This goes for non biological kids too, the umbilical cord is metaphorical)

I know this firsthand.  I have a daughter who is 16, and a Junior in High School.  She will be leaving the nest in August 2019, possibly forever. (It better be forever.  There is an elliptical trainer that is going to look great in that room)

I’m not a therapist, nor do I have any training in this area.  I’m just going to throw some common sense and logic out at you.

Everyone wants to forge their own identity.  Everyone wants to do things their way.

Is this bad?

No.  Of course not.  Your goal as a parent is to make your child into a fully functioning adult.

Your goal is to make sure they can survive on their own.

Your goal is to make sure they see the opportunities that lie before them, and to go for what they want.  A little bit of Carpe Diem.

Though as a parent, I get the whole thought, “Can’t you Carpe  that Diem tomorrow?  Can’t you just sit with me and be my baby just one more day?”

But ask yourself- am I being fair to my daughter?  Is this the best path for her?

Here’s the anecdote- I know you were sitting with baited breath, waiting to hear what actually happens in my house…

A few years ago, I would look at the weekend calendar and automatically include my daughter in the plans.  As of 9th grade- well, her being around just wasn’t an option anymore.  I had to say to her- “What’s on your agenda?”  I would ask, “can you fit in family/Mommy time?”  (I will also add that I have a strict 3 family meals per week rule- but this is actually more for my husband, and this has been a rule forever.  No one crosses me on this)

I would ask her.  I did not assume, nor force her to spend time with me on the weekends.  You can disagree with me- everyone has their own rules for how their household is run. But I felt that she was old enough to learn/know how to manage her own time.  I know how much homework she has.  I know how many activities she juggles, and how much time she devotes to these.

I’m OK with her figuring out her path.

I know she still loves me, even if we don’t have an activity planned.

But, I have found (and this is me- I can’t vouch for it working anywhere else) that my daughter tries to find a little bit of time for me.

She has been very crazed lately- burning the candle on three ends.  Last week I said to her “I feel like we’re ships passing in the night and I miss you.  Can we play this weekend?”

I asked.  I told her the truth about how I felt.  Her response?

“Sure Mommy.  We can get lunch after my SAT class on Sunday.”

Which we did.  I found a little French café that has this amazing hot chocolate selection, and yummy crepes.  The décor was porcelain tea cups and wrought iron tables, the display case showcasing opera cakes and lemon meringue tarts.  The air smelled like chocolate- did I forget to mention it’s also a chocolate shop?  I knew we had an hour- I wanted to make sure the event was special- because I can’t take for granted the time I get to spend with her.

I don’t have a great relationship with my Mom.  I am trying to forge a different path with my Daughter.  I saw the mistakes my Mother made, and I’m trying not to make the same ones with my kid.  It’s a very fine line, trying to have a nice relationship with your adult daughter.  Right now, I’m still the parent- I need to speak to her as a parent.  But, I’m also learning to speak to my daughter as a woman and as an almost adult. (FYI- this is where my Mother made her biggest mistake- she has still not learned to talk to me, not at me- but that’s a whole series of blogs)

So Moms- accept that your daughters are growing up and away from you.  Figure out how to make the new dynamic work for you.  Figure out how to maintain a positive relationship with you child, who isn’t really a child anymore.

Your daughter loves you.

They just need to find themselves and stand on their own.