There are about a thousand ways I can approach todays blog topic, because it brings up some observations about me, my personality and my relationships.  When I figure out how to discuss it, you guys will be the first to know.

I am a fairly organized, type A sort of person.  I know- I just revealed a fact you did not know.  The majority of my friends are like me:  we plan things months in advance, we deal with lists and our planners are never far from us.  I have one friend who is not a planner, but she understands my not so laissez faire attitude, so she adjusts a little for me (the very definition of good friend).  I surround myself with like minded people.  And lets face it- I live in a city not really known for its laid back attitude.  There’s a whole bunch of people here just like me, and actually, much more organized than I am.  Ok- so here’s point 1.

My Husband is somewhat type A like me- he likes things organized and planned out.  However, he is not actually a planner.  He hates the actual task of organizing.  He continually double books himself  because he makes plans and either doesn’t write them down, or doesn’t check his calendar before he makes new plans. ( I have many fun and interesting stories about having to play plan Jenga after he’s successfully booked us/him at four different things on the same night)  Now, since my Husband is technically type A-, his friends are a little more varied:  he has friends that are total planners, and friends that just go were the mood takes them, who live life with a devil may care attitude.

This past month, this cause some problems.  We made plans with a couple, S and R, a month ago.  They wanted to do something fun, I suggested a Motown Revue at a club, they agreed.  I bought tickets.  A month ago.

Two days before the event, S calls my Husband and says, “Wouldn’t it be fun to go to a comedy show at X?” Which would be great if A) I hadn’t already bought tickets for the music revue, and B) the comedy show wasn’t sold out already, cause everything in this city sells out in advance. (side note- if a New Yorker is walking down the street and sees a long line, the New Yorker will often just join the line because they assume whatever it is is worth waiting for.  That’s how we found the absolute best cream puffs ten years ago).

I was irrationally angry that S wanted to change plans right before game day.  My feeling is, if you want to go to comedy, just say that in the beginning.  A type like me sees that behavior as passive aggressive, whether or not it actually is.

We had a similar situation with R.  R was throwing a surprise birthday party for his girlfriend.  He gave us the date a month in advance.  No problem.  I blocked it out in my calendar.  Problem was, until two days before the party, we didn’t know where, or what time the party was.  This was after my Husband texted the guy at least six times.  When he finally got back to us, we realized the party was not in Manhattan- we would need to take a railroad.  Which runs on a schedule.  Meaning to be there for the “Surprise” we would have to be on a certain time train.  Which conflicted with afternoon plans that I had.

Now I figured out how to make all the plans work- I did the whole arrange the puzzle pieces thing.  And on Saturday morning, the day of the party, we get a Facebook invitation.  R is having a SECOND party for his girlfriend, and it’s DOWN THE BLOCK from our apartment.

I was not happy.

Of course, it took 30 seconds for me to realize I have something else to do the night of the 2nd party.  It took my Husband 20 minutes to figure out he had something the same night as well.

But, we figure it out, you know, putting all of our brain power into it- cancel Saturday, figure out how to work in 2nd party, etc.

So tonight is the night of the second party.  I also have a meeting tonight that I need to go to.  When I told two of my friends that I was going to race out of the meeting as soon as it’s adjourned, one of my friends said

“You shouldn’t go to the party.  Tell your husband there’s no need to go cause it’s not your friend.  Why should you go to the party anyway?  You already have plans.  You knew about this meeting.”

I told her that this was something I had to fit in, etc, and she argued why I didn’t need to go, etc., and though she made valid points, I knew I had to fit in both.

And this brings me to the next conundrum:

What’s the line for what events you should attend with your spouse?

I am really independent, and I give my husband a really long leash.  He goes on ski weekends without me, yearly guys trips, and attends many parties without me. (for the record, I hate large gatherings.  i hate introducing myself.  I hate small talk)  I am most definitely not the tag along spouse.

But…

I think there are some events I must attend.  This not so great planning guy is actually one of my Husband’s closest friends.  I often see him socially.  This is a party I would feel bad about not attending because the friend is a good guy.  I had to figure out how to make this work.

So, in my longest and most convoluted post ever, here’s the questions:

  1. Can planners and non planners be friends?
  2. Do you need to attend every event as a couple?
  3. Do you need to book things a month in advance?

Thanks for listening to this weeks dilemma!!

 

84 thoughts on “How Do I Put This?”

  2. I think everyone will probably respond with how to balance it all or how to split them up. I am taking an alternative path, as I have been in your shoes before. Perhaps my quiet nature or need to sometimes do nothing is not in line, but I’ll say it anyway. LOL

    You do too much! 🙂 If you have that many plans and friends (while awesome!!!), when’s the LA time to truly focus on yourself. I think that is missing from this post. I mean that with love.

    I have a sorta rule with W. Max 2 things per week. I’ll stretch it to 3 if 2 are on the weekend and 1 is durin the week. But I’ll never go out two nights in a row during the week. I like having more quiet and at home time. That’s just me. It’s hard when we have at least 10 regular friends who we want to see, and it means some only get to hang with us once per month, but I’d have a breakdown trying to re-plan if what happened to you happened to me!

    Ok, that was all meant with love. In truth… I think rather than try to control the situation, figure out your limit and stick to it, rather than try to re-schedule above and beyond that amount.

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    1. No way? I do too much? Say it isn’t so?!?!😝 I know. It’s hard, because I want to see my five closest friend every month. I need my coffee dates and movies to feel human, yet!! It’s tough with things I want to do and things I need to do. Like tonight….I need to be at both events…. and you know you can say anything you want! That’s why I value our coffee dates!!😗

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  3. My life is very simple. This weekend we don’t have any plans. I am a homebody. We really don’t plan a lot of things. We are more fly by the seat of the pants people. Yes you shouldn’t have to everywhere with your husband. I think you should go to this function for your husband’s friend. I have to admit I did buy two 2018 planners. One for personal and one for my writing. My personal planner is on the table. I have an appt. This morning. In my writing planner I write my goals for the month and what I write every day. I’m beginning to be a semi planner. Thanks for sharing your skills. 😊

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      1. I work 2nd probably why I don’t do a lot. I did go to a design center the other morning by myself. Not planned. I haven’t been there in a while so I thought I’d stop in to see what was new. One of my fav places.

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  5. I have never thought that planning or not planning would be characteristics that would/should define whether people can be friends. I would think the result would be only liking people who mirror ourselves.
    Your post has made me wonder if planning away all free time might not make a person unhappy.

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    1. Happy/unhappy are different things for different people. But I think people tend to befriend people with similarities, especially if someone is to the extreme of a personality. And I think it’s more than just type a vs type b types. I don’t know too many people with a wide variety of good friends, maybe acquaintances, but not good friends

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      1. Thought-provoking. I really have never divided people into Type A and Type B because I think it’s a very narrow assessment of people. I know people who would be Types A in their work, but Type B in downtime so maybe they are Type C? 😉
        As for friends, if I had to say that there was one thing that might run true throughout is a love of music, although none of us are professional musicians and all work different things. Most are scientists and a few of us are “creatives.” Most are cerebral, so I guess there is that. 🙂
        As for happy, yes, I agree. Different things. However, unhappy isn’t so different.

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      2. It’s not so much as I classify them as that, but more an observation of behavior and patterns. My friends have a laundry list of individual traits, but I notice my intimate circle, which is about 8 people are all type a in all aspects of their lives. My acquaintances are more varied. I think that a laid back person would go nuts with my level of intensity and energy….it takes a special person to deal with me!

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  7. 1. yes, if they make allowances for each other
    2. Lord no!
    3. no, not need. (but, I do live in the South, a much more relaxed part of the world) but it’s nice if you can. And if you do, you should really stick to them, barring serious emergencies or serious surprise obligations. And family first.

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  9. Ha…. Ive I book something a month in advance.. I sure hope I can remember to attend it. Planner be damned. But no, you don’t have to attend everything as a couple. Glad to see you have a social life.

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  10. 1. Yes, but it’s frustrating as hell.
    2. No, but it’s nice and you’ll always have someone you love, admire, and respect to talk to when the chit-chat gets too exhausting.
    3. Yes! Yes! Yes! I have a back up plan to a back up plan and everyone knows not to spring things on me at the last minute, otherwise the response is a “no”.

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  13. And this is where we put into place that practice of being “Unbusy.” Perhaps you specifically evaluate each activity, planned or not, and determine if you are doing it out of obligation, or if that particular activity is something that will feed your soul (or that of your family.) You get to choose to participate in only those things that you truly value. It’s OK to say, “No.” ~ Lynn

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    1. Yes, and no…😉. I’m real good at saying no, but sometimes things have to be yes….I’ve been actually thinking about that as a blog topic, yes vs no….like that shonda rhimes book

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  15. I’m like you! I plan. plan. plan. I even had to sync my husband’s and my’s calendar on our phones because it got to that point where you’re at. I demand details with any plan that comes up and it goes in the phone. 1) Planners and non-planners can be friends. As long as each respects each other for who they are I guess. My husband is the non-planner. He agreed though that things need to go mutually in the calendar. When he doesn’t have a specific place/time/etc he just blocks out the whole day so we both are aware. 2) You absolutely do not need to attend every event together as a couple. I think most couples fight over this topic the most. It’s okay for each of you to be your own person. I wish more people understood this. Don’t get me wrong, I am still madly in love with my husband. But if we need to be in separate places/events that’s okay too. 3) I am like a “I need to book things AT LEAST a month in advance” person. Lol. I completely understand what you’re going through. Hopefully I helped? Good luck. 🙂

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  16. i live in constant chaos. i’m a very disorganized person, though i’ve been known to plan something in a week’s advance every now and then. but still, i can account for most things, most of th times. my mom, on the other hand, is very organized. since she hasn’t yet disowned me, so i guess there’s something to opposites and stuff like that.

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  19. Planner and non-planners can be friends, yes. But my experience is that ultimately one of those friends carries more of a burden. I got tired of doing so after many, many years with one friend, and when I pointed that out it soon became a former friendship. Which I suppose begs a further question about whether such honesty is a good idea. I don’t know the answer to that one, though. Great post. – Marty

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    1. Thanks. I know what you mean. We have friends that are epic non planners, and every time we go someplace (that we organized) the wife will say “when are we doing the jazz brunch at rr” and finally my husband said to her “pick a date and make the reservations”. She looked at him like she was insulted that he dare ask her to do work…

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  20. Sunshine goes to stuff without me all the time, and I like it that way. I occasionally do stuff without him for the same reason he goes without me. We have different interests, and that’s ok.

    As for planning, I’m a big time “plan a month in advance” kind of girl and Sunshine is a last minute decision maker. It’s not even like he waits last minute for any good reason; it’s ALWAYS because he doesn’t “know what will be going on with work”. Which is stupid, because he’s the boss and could say there won’t be any work during that time frame. But nooooooooo

    I better stop now before I upset myself😉

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  21. I think you’re probably at a point in your marriage where you know what you should go to and what you can skip. Though I don’t go to many business related social gatherings with my husband, I’m always a little offended when I find out that some husbands always invite their wives. Mind you, I don’t want to go, but I’d like the invitation. As for the planning thing, you know I’m on the opposite end of the spectrum. In fact, it drives me nuts when I’m a minute late for a hike, and the friend I’m meeting texts me that she’s there.

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      2. Even I wait 10 minutes. You know what my worry is honestly? I worry that I have wrong time. I’m not really crazy if someone’s late….I automatically think I rote the wrong time

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      3. Not to beat a dead horse, but I always give people grace periods because things come up. You get behind a slow truck, or someone calls you as you’re walking out the door. You’re very punctual and organized, so I doubt you get your times wrong :).

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      4. I also keep text/email of plans and I recheck it the morning of the plans….but you know…I never said I was normal (I usually reconfirm details as well) gee….I’m a fun friend…surprising all my closest friends are type a…

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  22. We have a paper calendar to keep our events/appointments/schedules straight. If it’s not on the calendar, it doesn’t exist. I’m OK with last-minute plans, but I think I’d be pretty annoyed if someone kept changing already agreed-on plans… especially if I had purchased tickets. And, to answer your questions: Yes, no, sometimes.

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  23. yes, no and yes. We are both “planners in advance” which really helps and we don’t know a whole lot of “lets change all the plans at the last minute” people. I do have one friend that thinks it is ok to just make up a plan on the spot and try to sell it as a long term idea. But she has learned that does not work for me and did stop (for the most part) trying to be spontaneous against my will. I can be flexible if given time to plan for it 🙂

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  24. My husband was just asking me this morning when would be a good time for us to take vacation. He asks me, I check the calendar, we confirm and then I book. That’s usually how we do it. He periodically announces his schedule so I know when he has meetings, doctor’s/dentist’s appts., etc.
    We hardly ever go places without one another. We haven’t traveled separate from one another unless my husband’s on a business trip. I’m an extroverted introvert. I can make small talk at parties, and I’m generally the chatty, gregarious one, but internally I’m counting the minutes until it’s time to go home. I prefer my time alone or with my husband. My husband, on the other hand, who everyone pegs as reserved, is not particularly overly chatty like myself, but he’s having much more fun at parties than I am. He will dance, he’ll hoot and howl at the winning sports team while I’m somewhere cowering in a corner from the noise, longing to be engrossed in a book somewhere. We are the perfect compliment to one other, that’s why I think we get along so well. ( :

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  25. I am a completely laid back whatever happens kind of person. So much so that I have to write things in my phone calendar because I’ll forget them. With MANY reminder notifications! I have a few friends that are type A people and while I like to hang out with them occasionally, I’m always exhausted when I get home. I’m perfectly happy to be home under a blanket with a book. On that note, if I do go through the trouble to make plans in advance and someone changes them at the last moment, I get really mad. I feel like I psyched myself up for this and now its not happening! I don’t have a partner, but when I did, we usually went to things that were important to the other.

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  26. Hello lovely. xx Can planners and non planners be friends?
    Yes, they can but it’s a lot of give and take on both ends. I agree with TracyAllen. They tend to be exhausting. I had a friend once that is Type A, and she invited me to come over and hang out one day. I found out quickly that her idea of ‘hanging out’, and mine are different. She had the whole day planned minute by minute, so I told her I wasn’t coming. Notice the word ‘had’ a friend 🙂

    Do you need to attend every event as a couple?
    It’s difficult for me to weigh in on this one considering I’m not married, but viewing from a partnership point of view…I believe occasions will arise where it’s perfectly fine to go it alone. It would depend upon the joy factor for everyone involved. My boyfriend loves to hunt, and I sat in a deer blind once with him. Notice the word, ‘once’.

    Do you need to book things a month in advance?
    I used to be the type A personality, and loved my personal assistant. I let that life go to enjoy life moment by moment. I cannot wrap my head around what’s for dinner later today, much less make plans a month in advance. The only benefit I see is if the event sells out quickly, and you know you want to go that badly, or there is a huge discount in flight fares, and accommodations for booking in advance. If that’s the case, and I put money down on it? Come hell or high water, I will be there. xx

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    1. Let’s just say no one is ever going to invite me to “hang out” cause I’m one of those people who must have something to do to mix in with the talking, even if it’s just going to the coffee shop. And my ex was into ice fishing. Yeah….that happened once…..
      I’ve found that if I want to do something specific, I must plan in advance. I bought Adele tickets almost a year in advance of the concert. To buy them right before would mean paying 10x what I paid….mostly it’s economics….😀😀😀

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      1. Hahahaha…Yeah….I’m into moments. You don’t have to plan anything with me. I can meet someone at a coffee shop, and listen to them for hours. Yes….buying things in advance for economic reasons I get. 🙂

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  27. I am retired. I am not married. I move around so much I have not had a FRIEND friend (aside from my rescue dogs) in years. Acquaintances, yes. A friend I can call on anytime, nope. I dislike large crowds. Avoid things that require meetings, scheduled items. So basically a recluse. I think, based on your post you already are doing the questions you ask whether they are possible. Rhetorical? Maybe. Or maybe you are just trying to see if we are actually paying attention.

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