Sometimes my Husband drives me crazy.  There- I said it.

I think this is the case in many long term, monogamous relationships.  Usually things are great, but there are those moments.  And it’s those moments, the moments when our partners drive us crazy, that determine if a relationship will survive.

Husband and I see very differently on a particular subject.  This has been the case for our entire history together.  He thinks he is right.  I think I am.  Now, the good thing is, the catalyst for this issue doesn’t show up very often- so we don’t often experience the strife related to it.  But, the underlying root is always there.  The seed of discontent is buried deep inside.  It frustrates me that he doesn’t see and appreciate my side, doesn’t back me up, so to speak.  I know he is never going to change his stance, I know he doesn’t have the courage to.  I accept that he will never change. Until he expects me to change.  See, that’s the problem- in my mind, what’s fair is fair.  I’m not changing, he’s not changing- we just have to grit our teeth and bare it.  He doesn’t see it that way- he wants me to change.  Our fights aren’t about the issue directly- they’re about his refusal to accept who I am.

That’s where relationships falter- when one partner can’t accept the true nature of the other.  When one partner wants the other to “change”.  This is a wonderful theory- it’s just not practical or realistic.  People don’t change cause others wish it so- people change when the individual wants to.

So what do two people do?  How do they handle it?

Well, Husband and I argued quite a bit.  We had a “discussion” about the underlying issues.  When two people fight, each person goes in thinking they are 100% right.  When another person starts to poke holes in the theory, well, that’s when things have the ability to get ugly.  That’s another test of a relationship- how do the people involved fight.

My Husband likes to say- “Everyone would agree with me on this.”  First off- don’t ever use that as an argument, because unless you took a poll of everyone, this is just not valid.  There is no way to determine what “everyone” thinks. Secondly, it doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks- everyone else is not in the relationship.  The only opinion that matters is of the two people involved.  Also, sometimes you’re wrong- sometimes others will not agree with you because your argument is just not “right”.

You can’t bring up the past.  I’m repeating that.  You can’t bring up past fights or past actions.  When you’re fighting, keep it to the situation.  If you have resentments about past actions, then you need to discuss that separately.  If a past issue is resurfacing, then you have to ask yourself if you are expecting someone to change their behavior.  Because as stated, no one changes because you want them to.  If someone did “M” three months ago, should you be getting mad if they did “M” today?  You can’t make someone change, but you can change your behavior.

Don’t put the blame on something or someone.  This is a cop out.  The chance of an outside factor being to blame is probably slim.  What’s that line, “fault is not in our stars but in ourselves”?  Take responsibility for your actions, and how your actions affect others.  Own your mistakes and miscalculations.  Accept what you did wrong and learn from it.  Try not to blame your partner.  I know this is hard- but once you start blaming people….well…how well can you recover from that?

So- to try to summarize this wandering post:

Fight fair.

Be realistic about the issue you’re fighting about.

Remember the other persons point of view.

Accept your partner as they are.

If you want change, you must be the one to change- don’t expect change of your partner, unless they are 100% on board with changing.

Listen to what your spouse is saying- they just might have a valid point/argument.

Peace!!

 

 

46 thoughts on “The Battle of the Relationships”

  1. Excellent post! If we really love our partner/children/family/friends then we do not want to fight. That means when an argument is getting mean and we KNOW neither one of us will win, we have to THINK … am I purposely fighting because I am under stress in my outside life and just want to pick a fight… or am I really so attached to my point of view.

    I really feel that relationships should be easy. If we love the person we should not want to fight, so it comes down to communication, giving a person a HUG when we can tell they really don’t want to fight, but they are feeling overly stressed in life and need a good cry… they don’t really want to fight, but they don’t know how to say they need a hug and they would be embarrassed to just start crying.

    Always be humble and apologize if a person says you hurt their feelings. Often arguments persist, because the hurting person would just like the OTHER person to say, “I hear you, I had no idea when I said “such and such” that it hurt your feelings, I apologize.”

    Often arguements persist when one person refuses to apologize when they KNOW they said a mean comment, but they act the the OTHER PERSON should not be so easily offended.

    THEN like you said, “you don’t bring up OLD arguments EVER.” Once it is resolved, it is as if it never happened… done, finished – no holding grudges!

    Loving the person and wanting happiness and peace should make communication easy.

    It’s like talking to a small barking dog. If the dog starts barking it is annoying. At first we think “what is the problem? Why all the barking?” THEN we bend down pat the dog and say, “OK — why are you barking? Are you hungry, is someone at the door, WHY are you unhappy?”

    Relationships are like that… find out WHY the person is really barking and you can peacefully resolve any issue, it comes down to love and compassion for the person.

    Here’s to having a peaceful and loving holiday with family and loved ones! 🙂

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  2. You came full circle in that one! I know where you’re coming from, I fought a bunch in a prior relationships. W and I don’t fight. I think I just don’t like disagreement so I avoid topics that might cause it! There’s a theory, avoidance. Probably not healthy, lol! I shall be in touch soon to pick our coffee/tea date.

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  4. This is good stuff! I had to learn things like this when I got clean. The 12 steps have taught me that I ALWAYS play a part in whatever is going wring in my world. I’ve learned that I can’t change people, Incan only change my expectations of people and my reactions to people. I wish I had learned that sooner.

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    1. I like to communicate every thing and it bothers me that my husband doesn’t have to. The other day I was in a elementary special education classroom and on the wall one of the rules was: we can’t change other people, only our reaction to what happens and the same with events. Sounds simple and it is but hard for us to accept.

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  7. Well done. In forty-one years with one man we have fought over only one topic. At least once a year. I’m not changing. He’s not changing. We end up acknowledging that stalemate, until the topic arises again.

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  9. Great post! It’s possible to have a great relationship even when there’s disagreement over certain topics. Learning to actively listen is very important. I’m writing a post that includes that very point. In the end, we can still retain our opinions AND the relationship if we treat each other with respect.

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  10. Blah.
    My issue is that whichever argument we’re having, for me it connects to past stuff and for him it’s the current, singular issue at hand. I see the connections, he doesn’t (or won’t?). Frustrating.

    Yikes. 😉

    PS I’m 99% of the time right.

    Lol

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  13. Once again… hit the jackpot ! A great topic!. Every relationship has its moments. It’s natural, actually healthy to get out that stress. Knowing and excepting there will be no change, is in itself progress. That’s why a marriages last. That is my experience. I’ve come to the stage where I don’t care. I go with the flow…We are who we are and if we’ve made it so far…we’ll surely make it to the end together. You just have to find your own way of dealing with the situation. Goes in one ear, come out the other. I practice not listening. It seems like I am, I nod, say yes a few times, but actually in my mind I’m somewhere on a beach, drinking a cocktail. It takes time to get this ability, but it definitely works. Men never grow up. It’s like having a child by your side for the rest of your life. You just have to get used to it.

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  14. This is so true.
    Literally my love life.
    There’s this one thing we can’t agree on….He thinks he’s right and I know I’m right.
    Last week, we resolved to stop bringing it up.
    God help us😯

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  15. I think sometimes we always have to try and prove who is right! but when we think what the argument is actually about. does it really matter in the end?? sometimes we need to understand that our partners should be able to do and feel what they want and we should not pull them down because we disagree. its more about agreeing to disagree for me and my partner. I have found this has made my relationship a lot more smooth going and even tho at times a may be unhappy with a decision that my partner has made i need to undestand that jsut as much as i want him to do something he also wants to do it his way. since taking thisstand my relationship has been so much better

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  16. It’s our dysfunctional ego that has this great need to always be “right”, and by this our ego creates separation, it’s our spirit that wants and creates peace. Healthy relationships have good balance from the practice of time together and time apart.
    Blessings.

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  20. But sometimes I feel selfish since when my hubby and I argue we could go for 3-5 day not talking and at some point I feel peace unlike when we in talking terms. Do I have a problem

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