I am usually a somewhat kind person.  Don’t get me wrong- I have mean days, days where I tell and tell people off.  But for the most part, I’m fairly Ok.  Today, I am going to write in a somewhat spirited and not altogether kind way about another woman.  Sorry- sometimes women do things that piss me off, just like sometimes men do things that piss me off.  But- be forewarned.

My Husband has a good friend from college.  Great guy.  Intelligent, funny, trustworthy, loyal, great Father, general good person.  R used to be married.  I will not mince words- I (and just about everyone) hated his ex wife- she was cold and calculating and rude.  I saw the handwriting on the wall and their eventual break up.  It was a  nasty contentious divorce because she was being so petty about everything, and he gave in to just about everything, except joint custody of their teenage children.  The kids were his Maginot Line.

While the divorce was in its final stages, he began trolling Facebook for women he had once been interested in during college, and for whatever reason, they never dated.  I did not think this was a good idea. While I love the idea of this (I’m actually using it as a device in my novel) realistically, I find this a bad idea on so many levels. People change, and we’re all at different stages- can you expect the same attraction to be present?  Also, I think it’s a little desperate- it’s like you just want a partner and it doesn’t matter who it is.  You’re throwing out bait and hoping something catches on.  So, I wasn’t crazy about this girlfriend through Facebook experiment.

But- he did begin dating two different girls- one was geographically desirable, so he ended up with the convenient one.  In the beginning, my radar flashed me warning signs- I saw someone who took offense very easily, who would feel slighted very easily.  He was going to have to walk on eggshells around her.  For the record, I do not like to be around people that are overly sensitive.  I like people who realize that not everything is a direct attack against them, and that people are not hiding things from you.   These type of people are emotionally draining.  I don’t like to be emotionally drained.

The more I got to know her, the more I realized my internal radar was correct.  She is massively insecure.  We had game night at my place- she lost every game we played.  Now, we’re adults right?  Does it really matter who won Apples to Apples?  Well, the next time I saw her she told me that we were playing the game wrong.  WTF?  As my other friend said, well, we were all playing by the same rules, so really, but anyway…it was Apples to Apples.  Who cares?

I planned an outing for our group.  We were doing a scavenger hunt at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, through a group.  I love things like this, clues, running around a museum- I think it’s fun.  and, truthfully, I’m good at puzzles.  So the day of the hunt, we had our team of 6. 3 of us were excellent at this, 2 of us were really good at writing down stuff and reading the map as we gave out directions, and 1 of us was stopping to look at all the art.  During a timed race.  In a museum on the same city in which we live.  A museum I’m at at least monthly FYI- I mean- it’s right here!  So, when she realized she wouldn’t be the “star”, she checked out of the game.  Didn’t care at all that the rest of us were really into it.  just checked out.

A few weeks ago, we were having a big group dinner- a group of about 16 people who hadn’t seen one another in awhile.  We met at my place for drinks.  They were the last to arrive, even though she lives the closest to me of the group.  They had to walk her dog.  Well, they were at our house for about 15 minutes before we left for the restaurant.  As I was trying to shut lights and blow out candles and check on my own pets, she was whining to him about how her dog walker screwed up something, and the dog was not going to be walked.  Remember, her 5 year old dog was walked a half hour before, and would be walked in a few hours.   She kept whining and whining and whining.  Finally, after badgering him, he left the party, with his friends, some of whom he hadn’t seen in awhile, to go across town to walk her dog.  She sat at the table looking smug and self satisfied.  It was the ultimate FU to the people at the table- she was making a power play.  She was making sure we all knew that she was more important than his friends.

I don’t like this behavior.  I don’t like insecurity.  I don’t like people who try to separate someone from their friends.  I don’t like manipulation of this magnitude.  I don’t like bullying, and this is bullying.

She’s done about 1000 other little things that show what type of person she really is.  I feel bad, because the guy R, is a quality guy.  Yet he is now again in a relationship with someone who is not nice, or kind.  He is again in a relationship with someone selfish.  Obviously, there is something about this quality that draws him in.

Now, the other problem is, we all hate this woman so much, no one wants to see them as a couple. (Not that it matters- she’s not going to let him play with the others anyway)  We also can’t say to him “Hey- your girlfriend is the ultimate Bitch” because, you know, my Husband keeps telling me I can’t. (Though, two of the other guys voted for me to tell him)  But anyway.

Ok- thanks for letting me get off some steam.  The situation sucks because we love this guy, and we can see the handwriting on the wall of what his life is going to look like.  There are not enough good qualities in the world to counteract her bad ones.

And if you all have advice, would love to hear it, but really, my friends and I all know that there’s nothing we can do except hope that he doesn’t marry her.

73 thoughts on “The Day I’m Not so Nice”

    1. I know! But with his first wife, in the beginning, it was just like this. When he started hanging with his friends again, that’s when I knew he was headed for divorce. He’s attracted to something in these women….maybe the neediness, the insecurity….I don’t know….it just sucks to watch cause he is a great guy

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  3. There’s no force of nature to battle that level of insecurity and immaturity. And there’s nothing to be done if that’s his type. Unfortunately everyone is just going to have to follow his lead and play when he’s allowed. Also…you could take….the high road. (😝) It’s never ever easy to be new in an established group. That much worse with a mixed man/woman crowd. Reach out to her and lay it on real thick. Maybe she will open up or be more comfortable to where she’s not reverting to childish defenses.

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    1. She already feels threatened by us, and I mean the whole crowd, men and women. She’s got odd notions about how to be in a relationship, notions that are neither realistic or healthy. She takes everything as a personal affront and sees everyone as the enemy. She is the epitome of high drama. I hate drama. I just don’t get why a smart guy doesn’t see through this

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      1. Someone like that can’t meld into a new group. She will always try to be the Lioness, probably no matter what you do since she came in on the defense. I’m sure he does know….but you know how these things go. Intelligence doesn’t have a thing to do with the choice or direction he takes.

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  4. send him my way! I’m sweet! Seriously though I get this – why guys stay with women that are just not nice human beings and vice versa baffles me. As you know there is nothing you can do unless you pull the husband card and have your hubby maybe dish out a little advice – guy style, although we know men don’t really talk do they? 🙂

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  5. I have a relative like this. While …venting to a neighbor, the neighbor told me this relative is a Narcissistic Personality.
    I feel I can’t even write about it on my blog for advice because this relative would read it.
    Nothing helps, because whatever I do gets turned around and griped about to the close relative of mine this person married. Total power play and turning us against them. 😦
    I have to just be a listening ear and not internalize or attempt to fix anything -both against my nature.

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  6. Me, personally – I’d have offered more than just a touch of snark to all her whining – but that’d probably drive the both of them away (high-dramatics LOVE ammunition) so DON’T take my advice, here.

    It’s tricky – it sounds like she’s got her hooks pretty deep, and she has no objections to cramming the poor guy into an ultimatum – “It’s me, or THEM, honey…”

    The best thing I’ve got is to quietly drag him to the side, and give him a ‘Are you SURE about this woman?’ type of talk.

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  7. I love all of these answers. It’s obvious this man needs to be told what to do and how to do it. And no amount of warnings will change his insecure mind. So I say let them go their merry way, and smile and nod at her then go do your own thing. She wants to play martyr? That’s his problem, not yours. PS Your museum hunt sounds crazy fun!

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    1. Ok…first marriage was about 14 ish years….they dated for about 2 years prior. He dating this woman about 18 months, just shy of two years, probably divorced about 3 yeats, slightly less. And yes! If you’re about to say he needed time by himself, I am right there with you!! I said that all along….he just leaped into a relationship cause he didn’t want to be alone

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      1. Very standard response after a divorce, I was hoping that by now (18 months) he would see his pattern. Or, at least, actively choose to have a different partner moving forward. He may be doomed to repeat this mistake (my brother in law, twice divorced, is the same way!)

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  9. O.K. Let me get this first world Big Apple to Apples problem straight. This “great guy” is now two for two in picking a shrew as a domestic partner and his latest bitch IS the problem?

    What the hell has become of New York cafe society.?

    Take the new broad to lunch and feed her something appropriately acerbic. Then have a set-to and ask Dudley Doright why he continually insist on flirting with a disaster.

    All I got, already said too much.

    Regards,
    and good luck-
    Doug

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  10. Sounds like this woman isn’t playing any game, boxed or life, right. What a mess. I’d be prepared to say “good-bye” to R. If he’s not bright enough to see this woman for who she is, then so be it. You can’t make people see the failings in other people if they don’t want to.

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  11. Hey!
    Nice very nice story writing. It did confused me but not complicated. You do have alot to tell really. I dont know why people are so helpless that they cannot be straightened. I plead her guilty of her shortcomings. No matter what I am affected by her. The Rs girl.

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  14. Would he be open to you or someone else simply asking a question, like “What do you enjoy about this woman?” Then, you can begin his own self-reflection. Pardon me. I keep forgetting, I can’t MAKE people self-reflect, but I do think that’s what he needs to do, no matter where he fishes for his girlfriends.

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  16. Yikes! What a horrible situation. Not only does she not fit in, but your friend seems to be making a big mistake again. I wish I had a good suggestion, but it would be a shame if no one said anything and he found himself in a similar marriage to the one he just got out of. I wonder if you could approach it more as a “rebound” concern (as in “aren’t you rushing in awfully quick?”) rather than that she is a bee-yatch.

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  17. Bloody difficult unless he realises what’s going on. I once went out with a girl who told me she didn’t want me seeing a close friend anymore because she didn’t like him. Well, bye bye ex-girlfriend. But to tell someone else they need to drop their girlfriend because of their behaviour is veeery difficult!

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  18. Fingers crossed he’s trying on a new identity on the back of previous relationship ending… you have my utmost sympathy as she sounds like hard work!

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  20. I get it , have someone that keeps telling me it is because she is really naive, sorry I should not have to watch every word I say because she might not understand or take offense when I am not being any different than always ( I am not a rude person). Naivete is not an excuse for bad manners. Your friend seems to have found a very calculating person and he will soon realize when you stop including him that being with just her all the time gets old.

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  22. I don’t think your husband is right, but I also think that you and this guy need to have your own relationship (friendship) in order for you to have any standing to give this sort of advice. Like, if you guys ever have a reason to go out for coffee or something, then honestly maybe he’s hoping someone would ask him. Maybe he’s lonely and he prefers the company of a bitchy partner to solitude. Maybe he himself is insecure enough that he is easy prey for these kinds of women who are actually selfish but know how to flatter their way into relationships with nice guys. But here’s the important thing (IMO): you can’t just tell him “she’s a bitch, you should dump her sorry ass”. Especially if he hasn’t asked you for your opinion. However, if you guys do ever have a reason to go out and grab a coffee or something, then maybe ask him – is he happy with Ms. Selfish Bitch? Does she really make him happy? How does she act around his kid. Does his kid like her. Is he serious about this relationship? And take your queues from that conversation. If you have an opening to give your opinion, I would tell him the unvarnished truth – that you see har as a shadow, a carbon copy, of his x-wife. That she is manipulating him away from his friends. And if he gets defesive or looks unconvinced just tell him that you only want him (and his child) to be happy, but that maybe he should think about whether her behaviour is isolating himself further from this friends, and is he happy to pay that price for companionship?

    If you are not close enough for this sort of private conversation, then one of his friends should ask him the question. The point isn’t to get him to dump her because you all hate her and don’t want them to stay together. The point is to make him think beyond the surface of his relationship with this woman and ask himself whether he is falling into the same trap, and is it something he really wants? Ultimately it’s his choice and as good friends, all you can do is be there to catch him if it all goes horribly again if that’s the choice he wants to make, but someone should take on the job of asking him if his path with this woman is really making him happy.

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  23. Och. That is a sticky situation. Anything you do could be used against you.
    The only thing I can think of is to kill her with kindness. You know, the sweet, gushing, kindness a Southerner gives to someone they see as slightly incompetent. Not sarcastically, you understand, that can easily backfire. But pityingly. We understand, bless your heart, kindness.

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  24. I’ve been thinking about this for the last couple of days and here’s what I have come up with. I will gladly send her hate mail from Wisconsin if you need me to. I was thinking I could gather articles or something and send them to her weekly to remind her what a bitch she is. Or I could send your friend self help articles about finding women that respect the men that they are with. Honestly, I think we have to remember that we can’t help people that aren’t willing to help themselves. I believe on some level think he deserves this kind of woman. Maybe this is one of his life lessons that he just isn’t getting. I do think you should talk to him. Maybe he doesn’t think he deserves anyone better. This breaks my heart. I read a cool quote the other day. Don’t walk over oceans for people that won’t jump over puddles for you. It’s so true. Let me know if you need my help 🙂

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