So….

I’ve been thinking about love- obviously- I wrote two posts about it last week.  And while there are many positive descriptions and feelings about it, and most people enjoy the feelings associated with it, there are plenty of negative associations.  So today, I’m going to talk about the dark side…..

Unrequited love- when one person loves someone, but the feelings aren’t reciprocated.  I once had a boyfriend.  He told me he loved me (ah swoon) and I responded in kind.  His response back was “Well, I hope so.  That’s how it’s supposed to work.”  He wasn’t being flip, but his feeling was that it’s only love if both sides feel the same way.   He felt that one sided love wasn’t love, but delusion, because love is reflective- you give and you get.  We come to the first question of the day:  is it love if it’s only one sided?

I must admit, I think this old boyfriend was right.  How can you actually love someone who doesn’t feel same way?  Sure – there could be really deep feeling….but is that love, or a crush?  If you’re constantly going above and beyond for someone who might not necessarily be doing the same thing, is it love or obsession? ( I know- we’re now starting to get into the tricky what is love area, but I’m not posting quotes today…..)  Love should be about two people sharing mutual feelings- whatever guise that is.

But at least I’ve answered the cheeseburger dilemma, as the cheeseburger does not love me back, so we can safely say that I am obsessed with cheeseburgers….

Now let’s talk about when love ends….break ups and divorce.  How does love so quickly become so devastatingly nasty?  Well, humans can be pretty crappy to one another- I think we know that.  But how can you treat someone you once loved with so much contempt?  Fighting over objects?  Being overly critical in front of your shared children?  But- I often wonder…..were the two people really in love?  (I know, I know- we’re back to the what is love question again- I can’t help it- it’s a vicious circle)

I got married youngish, and I got divorced.  My ex husband was not a good person.  He did some despicable things.  But in hindsight, I don’t think I ever loved him.  I don’t think he loved me either.  I had all sorts of stupid reasons as to why I married him, which are enough for a 3 volume set, so we’re not going to go down that road today….but suffice to say- it probably wasn’t a love match.  Now, when I actually got married I thought I loved him, but my view of love was a bit skewed, and again, all sorts of emotional baggage at work here.  So next point- if people break up, were they really in love to begin with?

What about cheating?  If you love your partner, why would you have an affair?  Sure, sex is sex- I get that-but  If you have an affair, does that mean you don’t love your partner?

So this sort of brings me to my next point- what if you talk yourself into love?  There are many reasons you might do this: you got pregnant, you want to get pregnant, you want to be married…..for whatever reason- you think that you need love to complete a goal…..Now, you might end up with the baby, or the wedding ring, but are you happy?  Should you talk yourself into “love” because it completes your to do list?

I know there are all sorts of love/ physical-emotional abuse things- but I am not qualified to talk about that.  I do not even come close to understanding the dynamics involved in relationships like this, so that subject is off the table.

So thoughts?  Questions?  What did I miss?

I’m very interested in ideas and questions that I don’t think computers can solve- for now anyway- I’m reading the new Dan Brown and am beginning to think that computers will be able to answer everything-  and RIP Tom Petty…..

Peace and love to all!  Well, maybe love.  Depends on how we define it……

 

44 thoughts on “Stop Dragging my Heart Around

  1. I love this, I think!

    Unrequited love. Been there, done that, many, many times. I’m a man, so little rational thought when it comes to falling in love with actresses (are we still allowed to say that?), singers, shop assistants, the lady next door.

    Only joking. I think!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You always make us think deeply. I love it. Hmmm… gut reaction tells me when you “love someone,” it’s a product of who you are at the moment in time. So if you love someone you shouldn’t, it may have more to do with you than with them, and what your needs are at the time. So unrequited love happens a lot as a result. I know I’ve felt something for someone because I needed something else in my life, unable to see clearly. I could totally be wrong tho!

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  3. I love Tom!! I guess our definition of love develops as we get older. Maybe the bad relationships help is learn who we are and what love is. As to divorce…i don’t understand how you can love someone and get married and end up taking them for everything you can get. That isn’t love. That is greed and revenge. Keep in mind there is always an exception to the rule. Great questions.

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  4. All good thoughts. I think you can love someone who doesn’t love you back. That’s the worst. I was also married and divorced, and I don’t think I ever loved him. Maybe in high school before I knew exactly who he was, but I knew before I married him that I didn’t love him. Stupid, stupid, stupid. So in my case, I don’t think it was ever love. I do think that some people that get divorced were in love at one time. Sometimes people grow apart, or aren’t compatible. I don’t think that means they didn’t love each other at one point or another.

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      1. And I think there is a difference between “love” and “in love”. However, I do think that people that are in love sometimes get divorced. Maybe they are incompatible in some way. One of the types of love that I don’t think you covered is star-crossed love. You both love each other, but for whatever reason aren’t able to ever be together. But maybe there is a reason for that. And if they ever did get together that it would end up badly.

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      2. I cannot unlove someone. You can love someone, but not have them in your life. What is healthy for you? When you grow in different directions, it’s best for me to step away. Time could always cross your path again.

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  5. This made me think of those “Love is …” cartoons. My personal perspective is that there are different sorts of romantic love – obsessive, unrequited, contented to name a few – but they’re still all love. We probably value (and seek) different types of love at various points in our lives, and not always in the same sequential order. Hollywood (and Disney) are responsible for some many of us seeking “happy ever after” love, where the world is always rosy and perfect, and there’s plenty who only want “new and exciting” love, so spend their lives in serially monogomous relationships that go nowhere. And that’s just a few thoughts … I could go on about this subject for ever (and may do yet … you know, in that book!) For me love is best when it’s reciprocated, and equally so, but I thought differently until after I’d experienced all consuming love. I may think differently again in another 10 years! Interesting subject, thanks 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks. Great points. This subject has been on my mind recently…how people view love, if love is different amongst people of different ages. It’s funny cause there is no one definition….it’s totally fluid, and dependent on where you are in life and who you are

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  6. To say that love is unrequited makes it sound melodramatic. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

    I find that many people who are in love with someone who doesn’t reciprocate the feelings are people who aren’t seeing the other person clearly. That is, they’re in love with an ideal, not a reality. Kind of like that old saying: there’s no fool like an old fool. Only a different context.

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  7. Loving someone who doesn’t love you back has to be the worst thing in the world. My mom has gone through it and still is. It tortures her and it makes me sad. I love my husband more than anything (next to my kids of course) and would die if something happened to him. I would just die. I think that would be it for me. I do feel that he feels the same way. To me, this is love.

    I’m one of those people who think cheating is pure evil. I can’t see how someone who cheats can ever be in love, but that’s just me. I could never get over it.

    ❤ Great post and thought-provoking. 🙂

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  8. I do think unrequited love is real. I was in love with someone all through high school and part of college. I never told her because I was sure she didn’t feel the same way and I was afraid it would ruin our friendship. I saw her recently at a reunion. I am no longer in love with her, but I still love her as you would a good childhood friend.

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  9. The best answer I have for you is that love is complicated. It isn’t black or white, so it is difficult to say if it is one thing or another. That and there are so many different kinds of love, even romantic love has lots of different shades. That is why parents often feel differently about each of their children.They don’t love one more or one less, they just love them differently and for different reasons, maybe even feeling closer to one than another. We love all different kinds of people and for all different kinds of reasons. We love friends. We love family. We fall in love romantically and in all different kinds of ways.

    When it comes to the idea of divorce or falling out of love, I think that there are lots of times that the parties involved often fall in love with the idea of the other person rather than the real person. When they finally realize that the person isn’t who they thought they fell in love with, when they finally see the person for who they really are, that love feels like it is suddenly gone or that they never were in love in the first place. They were, just not in love with reality. The other side is that you fell in love with the other person, but realize later on down the line that the kind of love you have for that person probably fits better in a different capacity than romantic love. Those are the relationships, I think, that tend to end with both parties staying friends. I think the bitterness comes in when one person feels so differently than the other person and when the relationship ends, they strike out at another because they may not understand how the other person can not love them anymore and are hurt and want to hurt in return. It is a form of self preservation. It is also just as likely that the other person was always awful and that is just their nature.

    For the idea of unrequited love, I go back to my example on kids. I can say from experience that that is proof for me that it is possible to love someone who doesn’t love you back. Besides, if it is only love when someone loves you back, then love becomes an obligation and it isn’t. It is an emotion and emotions are independent of others and not something that we can choose to feel (choose to express, but not feel). Like so many things in life, we tend to see love as always only being good. It is really neutral because it can be both. Having a toxic relationship is an example of how it can be a bad thing, same thing with unrequited love.

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    1. Excellent points and comments! I think there is a lot of validity to what you say. Love is I definable, dependent on the people involved and can change as you get older. I like your point about obligation, and are emotions obligatory. I had never thought of it like that…..that’s something I’m going to have to think about….it’s an interesting concept….

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      1. How many times has one person said I live you, but got mad because the other person didn’t say it? I think that’s part of the problem….expecting it not only to happen, but to happen simultaneously…..gee….I guess we do that a lot in relationships…..

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  10. A thought provoking post!
    Yes, I believe that there are a lot of people who were never really in love when they got married. They were in love with the idea of being in love, if that makes sense. But I do believe that there are others who really did love the person, but yet the marriage ends in divorce. Why divorce happens when 2 people really love each other is not an easy answer. Every situation is different, so I don’t think that you can really give just 1 answer.

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    1. I do think people are in love with the idea of love, or want to change their circumstances, or any host if things when they get married. And I understand divorce….I just don’t understand the nastiness associated with it sometimes! Thanks for great comments!

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  11. Oh my dear those are a lot of heavy ponderous deep questions all of which I am sure I could have answered instantly about 50 years ago. No even 60 years ago but alas the other ten years of my life have convinced me that I do not know, nor have I ever known the answers. LOL

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  12. I don’t have answers to any of it. Love is a crazy thing that morphs throughout time and experiences. I love two men right now, both a different kind of love, and not seeing either of them because it was too difficult to be with either one at any given time. There was no commitment, one was my ex-husband who I always loved, and the other was my current (at the time) boyfriend, who had the new-love smell…but I ended that too. All I know is love is real, it feels great, but also hurts like hell. Right now I am just taking it one day at a time and trying to figure out what I want in this life and how I can give the most love possible without losing myself.

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  13. Each question is a separate blog topic in itself. Is love that complicated? You either love a person or don’t. The complications arise only when we add a lot of other dimensions to love. And each question that you asked in this blog are those added dimensions.
    1. You love that person and you want that person to love you in return.
    2. You love that person and you want that person to love only you.
    3. You love that person and you think you cannot/should not love anyone else.
    So, love as a feeling or state of mind is very simple. When we attach other strings to it, love tends to lead us to all those emotions that are so “not love”.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Yes, love is always misunderstood and misinterpreted by us. Just copying some lines from a poem (The Beauty Of Love) that I had written some time back :

        The change of plant did not bother her anymore;
        For, she realized it was not about the plant.
        It was about her love for the plant;
        And that, she knew to give in abundance.

        That is the beauty of love;
        It is always upto the giver to keep giving.
        The muse is just an excuse;
        For the lover to keep loving.

        Liked by 3 people

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