Should you be friends with your ex?

That was the question on my mind yesterday.  I got a lot of different opinions, many of them completely contradictory.  But as this is an opinion question, every single comment I received was CORRECT.  NO ONE IS RIGHT OR WRONG.  This is an individual decision.  I did however, come up with a list of things worth thinking/talking about.

  • If children, especially minor children, are involved- it is in the best interest to remain at the very least, friendly.  This might crush you, but you must try.  (Of course, I do not refer to those cases were parents and children can’t be together- I’m speaking in generalities)
  • Both parties must be mature, sensible and rational (As I’m rarely mature, sensible and rational this would leave me out…..)
  • What does the significant other feel, and how much does what they feel matter?
  • There was a reason why you two are no longer together- does this reason make the friend relationship impossible/improbable?
  • How involved was the prior relationship?  Was is a short term thing?  Was it sex buddies? (I’m going for PG-13 here) Were the two of you engaged at what point?
  •   Do both parties truly want to be “just friends”?
  • Would the relationship dynamic be affected if significant others are involved?  ie- would you ever double date?
  • Does having a friendship with an ex signal trouble in your present relationship?
  • Is one person seeking out this friendship because of loneliness?  Now, I realize you look to broaden your social circle when you are lonely, but is friending an ex the best way to combat loneliness?
  • How good was the sex?  Seriously- I think it matters if there was once an insane amount of chemistry.
  • Did Facebook open up a whole can of worms that was probably better closed?

Now- we go to the personal side- mine.

I once had a great relationship with G.  We broke up rather amicably- at the time we were both very career centric, and our careers were taking us on differing paths, and we both felt that the relationship wasn’t as important as our careers.  After reconnecting on facebook 7 years ago, we’ve maintained a cordial relationship.  When I went on vacation to his town a few years ago, I didn’t even think about contacting him.

I am not a jealous sort of person.  My husband has had lunch with his ex-fiancé when she was in town, and dinner with an old girlfriend from high school.  I was fine with it- my opinion is that if I’m worried about him seeing an old flame, I should be worried about him having relationships with any woman.  I make the assumption that our relationship is strong enough to endure friendships with members of the opposite sex.

Out of the 3 exes I mentioned (sorry- I only had 4 significant relationships in my life, so we’re about out of stories) there is one that I CAN NOT be friends with.  I don’t feel I could be friends with someone I know still stays in my heart.  I know I can’t be friends with another because he wants something more from me.

Now G.  Here’s the parts that nag me:

  1. Why did he switch to private message?  Does he not want someone to know that he wants to meet up with me?  Is he afraid that my friends are going to see it and scream “Bad Idea”? (my friends are not particularly open minded about this sort of thing)
  2. Why was my first thought, “Damn he still looks amazing.  Is it possible to lose 1000 pounds and have a facelift by Columbus Day?”  Is it just vanity?  I mean- he hasn’t seen my in awhile….I look OK for 53, but I do have an ego…..

So….I don’t know what I’m going to do.  I don’t even know if he is actually going to end up in  town, or if he will reach out again about meeting up…..But I’m going to think about it…..

And if there is indeed a decision to be made- I’m pretty confident you will be in the loop…..

 

Thanks again for all the amazing feedback yesterday!

 

45 thoughts on “Friend-ex- A Follow-up

  1. I can only speak from my own experience but I think you can be friends with an ex as long as all ‘cards are on the table’. You need to be strong enough to remember the reasons that you broke up (even if some of those are no longer current). I couldn’t say it was ever a good idea to re enter a relationship with an ex.

    In my own experience, I have stayed friends with my ex husband. We have been friends pretty much since we agreed to divorce and now he is also friends with my fiancé. It is a very different situation and I don’t think it would work for everyone.

    I think if your ex is asking to meet but trying to keep it a secret from his current partner then that spells bad news from the start and he probably isn’t really looking for a friend (because why would he have to hide a friend?) x

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I don’t think he is currently with anyone now, but honestly, we usually only speak through comments on pictures. I do know he had a messy divorce a few years ago….that we talked about. But you make a lot of excellent points. There are so many things to think about in a situation like this. It really is up to what each person can and can’t handle. Thanks for great thoughts and ideas!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. In that case I can sort of understand moving to organise meetings via a private message rather than an open comments forum. It is a very complex situation but I am sure you will get there; I find that having a clear idea of my own expectations really helps! x

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Of me or him? Because he’s seriously still pretty good looking……I might gain readership if I post his pic…..but yeah….that’s the best part of blogging…..throwing out a topic, and hearing what people think. It adds a new dimension that I didn’t think was possible. I love the idea of gathering info and expanding my mind and vision. Definite upside

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I am good friends with an ex and it was a tough road to get there – I had to trust him again but I have to say that we should have just been friends all along. We were terrible as a couple but are great as friends. And yes I think if chemistry, sexual chemistry in particular was off the charts then no I could not be friends with that ex. It all depends on the situation, the level of hurt and you have to be truthfully honest that you just want to be friends and not hoping for something more. Great posts

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I don’t know – you are giving this a lot of thought. Your current relationship is obviously in great shape and a meet up with a past love could change that. You can bet he isn’t thinking of changing anything about himself in the meantime. Keep us posted, it’s your decision.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I give everything a lot of thought, and I mean everything….I’m a chronic over thinker. And honestly, it was kind of an interesting thing to write about. I’ve never seen do many differing opinions on a subject….and it’s people from all over the world, different ages, different sexes…..I love seeing what people think of pretty much any subject. And then it’s the effect of technology….how before Facebook you probably didn’t face these sorts of issues as often as we do now. But conversely, the generation now, millennials, will probably never face something like this because they’re probably always going to have a pretty good idea of where their exes are

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  4. I am friends with my ex husband. He is actually my best friend. I can talk to him about anything and everything. The main reason we aren’t still together is he won’t quit drinking and I’m staying sober. It’s helped the last few years that we’ve lived in different states. My youngest’s father on the other hand is in the friendly leaning towards keeping it civil category. We can talk most if the time about arranging visitation and holidays. And there have been a few times that his new family have stayed the night at my place. Especially in the past year because it makes visiting his son easier. They live several hours away. If it is a question if them needing to stay the night or not seeing our son, he can stay. But it’s MY HOUSE, MY RULES. I would never stay at his house. I tried very hard as my kids grew up to not badmouth their fathers, especially in front of the kids. I figured that when they became adults, they could have their own opinions.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. My ex was a shit to me but he was a decent enough father to our boys. For that reason, I am friendly towards him. To be honest, he makes a better friend than he ever did a husband. :/

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I kept my mouth shut yesterday because I’m conflicted about this one. There was a time when I would have said “sure, why not?” But that was a time before I got clean, when all of my relationships were very dysfunctional anyway. Since I got clean, I haven’t had to ponder on that question too much. I know that I am OK with it when Sunshine comes into contact with one of his exes, because I know our relationship is strong, and because I also know that he has emotionally outgrown them all LOL. I’m glad this isn’t a question I have to worry about for myself. I do have faith that you’ll make the right decision for you, for what that’s worth

    Liked by 2 people

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