It’s a vicious cycle.  I write a blog.  You comment.  I think of something to say based on comments.  So the following is all your fault.

First off, I learned a lot about trolls.  I am floored by the comments that others have made to bloggers.  To be fair, the majority of our little community is good, and seeks to inspire, not to criticize.  But you know, one bad apple….Someone was criticized for being too happy…..can you imagine?  “I’m sorry, happiness isn’t allowed here- it might give people the idea that happiness and positivity is an option- wouldn’t want that to happen.”  I don’t know about you, but, even though I don’t always get there, happiness is pretty high on my to do list…..

We know that I love a good spirited debate.  I have no problem with people who disagree with me, and vice versa, as long as it’s done logically and with respect, and no one tells the other, “Nah nah, I’m right and you’re wrong…”   I once had a conversation with a guy- we had opposite opinions of a subject.  I laid out my reasonable, rational argument, countering his points with my own.  After about 10 minutes, he began to see the rationale of my point of view, and actually changed his mind to my way of thinking.  Now, we were in bed at the time, but I really don’t think that influenced his decision at all……

But what do we think about when people give you instructions on how to do things?

I’ve given parenting advice.  My intention is not to shame anyone, or say “I’m right and you’re wrong” (though, who are we kidding, I’m always right), but it is to share the knowledge that I have learned in the past 50 years.  Some of it I have learned the hard way.  Some of it I have learned by doing almost the exact opposite of what my Mother had done.  I’m just sharing pieces of my life, in hope that you can see how I screwed up, so maybe you won’t have to feel the pain I did.

But what about the people that give advice, or make comments that are really just thinly disguised criticism?

You’ve seen them. The type that leaps to my mind are the Mommy Shamers.   They post pictures of perfect homemade treats, while they are wearing pressed white linen, their toddlers sitting quietly reading the works of Elizabeth Barrett Browning.  They say things like, “Oh- we’re so glad you had the time to run to the store to bring in that bag of Oreos for the bake sale.  We always forget about the children who don’t have advanced palates.”

There are also the lip pursers.  When you are discussing your wedding plans, the friend across from you looks like they are sucking on a lemon.  They say things like, “Sure, you could wear an off white dress, and carry flowers. I know you’re not really the creative type.  You need to play to your strengths, which is bland.”

And these are often people we call our friends.

So what do we do?

Yes- I’m about to give advice…..

  1. Not everyone has to be a close friend.
  2. Be selective about what you share.  Not everyone needs to know everything
  3. Be thankful if you have 1 close friend-  a true close friend is a rare and beautiful thing
  4. It’s ok to have activity specific friends.  I have a movie buddy.  The only thing we do together is see movies.  It works.
  5. Limit the amount of time you spend with people that only bring negativity, or make you feel bad about yourself (this includes family)- feel free to unfriend them
  6. Don’t take the shamers seriously, or pay them heed- they don’t deserve your time or consideration
  7. My advice is the only advice worth listening to- I am perfect……

 

 

96 thoughts on “Blogging PSA- Follow-up

  1. Great post – #2 is so important. Not everything needs to be shared. I’m pretty much an open book but I also keep many things about myself private as well. That is our right as bloggers and human beings who feel and hurt. Writing doesn’t capture every emotion and convey every thought.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. I haven’t been trolled yet so I’m waiting with trepidation. I’ve heard about it happening though, and can’t quite get my head round it. I’ve barely got time to do all the things I cram into my life as it is…so who has the time to trawl the internet just to find things to make nasty comments about?! The only slightly negative comment I’ve had was on FB about my poem, ‘Oh Menopause, Oh Menopause’. One lady commented that people make too much of the menopause. That was that – short and to the point. Clearly not one of the many women who are now in their 10th year of suffering…Everyone else ignored her lol!

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Oh you haven’t?!?! That first time is so exciting! *not*

      😝😝😝

      I’m actually thinking of changing my name to Trollbait. I would have never been allowed to cross that bridge were I a Billy Goat!

      Liked by 3 people

  3. In line with what Midlife Dramas said, do you wonder if maybe some of those trolling types get paid for the crap they write? I have a hard time imagining, as she noted, that anyone has the time to do nothing but read and comment in such a hateful or derogatory way. Why else would you spend your life trolling… well maybe because you really are nasty or a creep or mentally unstable…

    Liked by 3 people

      1. My contention is that these are all people bullied or abused at some point in their lives and no one was ever listening to them….enter the internet to fix all that. “Victory”. Which sounds shitty of me to say, but I’m also not the one writing mean emails and snide -not so thinly disguised- comments.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I always wonder what lousy events led to trolls being so awful to other people. I’d feel sorry for them, having such joyless lives if they weren’t so horrendous to everyone else.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. This is an awesome post!! Sadly, those little trolls are prevalent on most social media outlets now. While my primary thought is to simply ignore them, its not always so easy. But I have learned to the often overbearing negativity with a grain of salt. Often as a blogger, I share my life in that hope that someone else can gain insight for their own life or circumstance. Keep up your fantastic blogging!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. More on mean-spirited missives…the callous comment clod on the recent and decent communiqué. Really? What level of rejoinder should one expect given an open world forum via a medium with the shamefully ugly sobriquet “BLOG.” Giggles that.

    Seriously. I could prose poem weblog and claptrap all day. And Lordy, the ubiquitous nature of this publishing tool reduces all to lumpen giving licence to those who seek to do injury with an insult they feel writ large. (Know what I told the World Wide Web today?)

    All that inartfully said. Kudos for standing your ground.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. This is all good advice! It is puzzling how some people feel the need to be negative about almost everything. But it is much easier to be nasty, snarky and hurtful, and to attack someone’s character rather than their argument. It also doesn’t require a person to do any self-examination and come to the realization that they don’t know everything (you and me are exceptions, of course) and the other person just might have a point!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. “i’m right, you’re wrong. I’m big, you’re small.” what about children? do you listen to what they have to say, explain your point of view, where you think their discussion isn’t right (converse with them)? think, and i mean really think, why they are telling you waht they are telling you?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I really work at having valuable discussions with my daughter. I have a family dinner rule, where we eat together as often as possible, but minimum 3 times a week. No electronics. And I start with, what was best part of day and worst part of day?” And we all answer. It’s a fine line, being a parental authority and allowing kids to make their own decisions. I’m a firm believer in empowering kids, and that what they say and think matters. Parents and kids must have open and honest dialogue.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Fantastic advice! The country is so divided now, and people don’t want to listen to the other sides opinion, and have honest, rancor-free debates. My own son comes home from college, and he is single minded in his views, and doesn’t want to listen to what I think – even if I’m calm and reasonable. I’m glad you’re always a voice of reason, in a sea of insanity. P.S. Thanks for the bit of humor. I actually laughed out loud.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I love social media, but I truly believe it opened people up to believing they had to share everything, and now have the right to judge/comment on everyone else’s sharing. We perfect people need to stick together. Hah!

    Liked by 2 people

  11. yep. Yep. YEP. ALL OF THIS! Also, #4. I’ve been working on something that basically begins like this, “Many of us fall into trouble because we begin to expect people to change roles.” Yes, the movie friend needs to stay the movie friend. When we start to make the movie friend the church friend, just for example, then we create distress and foolishness.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I totally agree with you. I have buddies for specific activities and have recently walked away from long standing friends because I could not be weighed down by their negativity. I have enough weight on my body without adding negativity. Have an awesome day!

    Liked by 3 people

  13. I don’t enjoy Twitter much because I am taken aback by the mean things others flock to say but find the WordPress community amazingly supportive, far more than I could have hoped for or imagined. It seems to attract thoughtful, creative people. I find comments on news sites unsettling too – I can hardly bear to read some of the comments on the New York Times, even though I would have expected to have things in common with their readers. Yet it fascinates me to see what people are thinking, so now and then I take a look despite my better judgement. It is affecting my perception of their brand – after all, they are publishing/hosting the comments.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Great minds think alike and so do ours! I’ve been kicking around the idea of writing a post on the necessity of distancing ourselves from those who seem so intent on tearing us down. From negative comments by readers we don’t even know, to family and “friends” who always feel the need to point out just where we have failed. Of course we don’t want to just surround ourselves with those who tell us how wonderful we are, but we also don’t need to surround ourselves with those who obviously only want to “take us down a few notches.” It doesn’t help anything.

    Liked by 2 people

  15. My own personal “rule” with such folks Is to remember it’s more about them than me. And then I feel sad and sorry for them that life would cause them to feel the need to do that. Or I feel happy for them that they have such confidence in their relationships and themselves. But I don’t have to take what they say or do as a true reflection about or on me, because their behavior is really about them.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Good advice. We bloggers are brave people – to share our ‘insides’ to the world. I think we need to be secure within ourselves to write and share, and then to discount those who respond with fear or insecurity or ugliness. I’ve been fortunate so far and found only positivity in my comments. But perhaps Word Press is really good at siphoning out the trolls….

    Liked by 1 person

  17. I think that #7 is the best, only it’s *MY* advice that is the only advice worth listening to – *I* am perfect. That’s what being in your second half-century brings you, perfection. Oh, and *this* is the Right side of 50!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. YES!!! And I apologize if my crispy white linen well behaved toddler made you uncomfortable. I shall be changing her back into her regularly scheduled programming of repeating her older siblings (and parents) inappropriate phrases, shirt stained with Cheetos, and holey unmatched pair of socks (even though that isn’t what I put her in this morning so where the heck did those come from). Love the post. So made me giggle.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Because I’m a stinker, I get a truly naughty sense of joy in the following tale – We had some neighbors who were crazy stepford-esque. No problems. Perfect in public always. Well these darlings relocated and ended up next door to another friend of mine. As fate would have it, they popped out their 200th child at the same time as my friend with her 3rd kid. Both must have purchased the same baby monitor because our friends started hearing them over their baby monitors. Being good adults, they should have mentioned it. Being just as much in the irritation zone as I was, they listened to it instead. And baby, it was NOT that was behind closed doors. We couldn’t help but laugh. It’s not that either of them wished them ill. We just wished that they would be real and own that parenting, marriage, and life just aren’t meant to be lived perfectly.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh that’s awesome story! Btw, would have done same thing as you and your friend. I don’t know why people can’t be honest about how hard it is! And I have 1 kid (well two if you count my husband) and I know how hard it is! I don’t know how other parents stay sane!

        Like

  19. I really appreciate this. I can still care for people and yet prefer not to be around them for certain activities, etc. ❤ Such an important part of taking good care & setting boundaries. Thank you! And I loved the humorous style you used — needed a smile tonight. Many blessings, Debbie ps – have a great week!

    Liked by 1 person

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