The Setting: A living room in NYC
The Players: A Husband and Wife (for this performance, played by me and the Husband)
The Premise: Husband is packing for a weekend jaunt with his posse, four of whom turn 50 this year.
H: Which suitcase should I use? Medium or small?
H: But the stuff doesn’t fit in the small.
W: OK. Use the medium.
H: How much underwear should I bring?
W: One for every day plus an emergency pair.
H: Should I bring linen pants?
W: Are there any restaurants with dress code?
H: How would I know? (husband is cluelessly throwing clothes into suitcase-in hope that wife will take pity on him and help)
H: Do you know where my dive card is?
W: Is it in your dive bag?
H: Why would my dive card be in my dive bag?
W: OK. Check your ski bag.
H: Not funny. I can’t scuba without my dive card.
(Wife stands up, looks in pocket of dive bag. Amazingly finds dive card, log book and 15$ Belize currency)
(Husband is holding mask and breathing tube, looking at them quizzically.)
H: Do you know how to connect the tube to the mask?
(wife takes the apparatus from husband)
W: Is your insurance paid up?
(wife correctly puts mask thing together)
W: Nothing. Here you go.
H: Cool. I didn’t realize you had to take that piece out and slide it in there. How did you know that?
(husband continues to throw random sporting things in suitcase)
H: Should I pack my inhaler or carry on?
W: I think you should carry on. You know, if you have trouble breathing while you’re mid air and all.
(husband is browsing through box of travel size toiletries)
H: What’s the difference between facial moisturizer and facial cleanser?
W: You have two masters degrees, right?
W: You clean your face with cleanser, and moisturize with moisturizer.
H: Do I use moisturizer?
W: Bring it in case you get sun or wind burn.
H: So I use it after the cleanser?
(husband puts toiletry bag in suitcase. struggles with closing suitcase)
H: I hate the zipper on this suitcase. It’s in such an awkward spot.
W: I promise you- all suitcases have zippers in pretty much the same way
(wife effortlessly zips suitcase)
H: Have you seen my headphones?
W: Gym bag?
Husband is finally packed- suitcase, tennis racket and tote by front door.
H: How are you going to survive without me?